Losing Friends And Letting Things Go

First off in an unrelated note to this post, I apologize for not being more active on here. Honestly I have had many times since my last entry where i have wanted to talk about stuff, but it takes me physically being in front of my laptop and having good music coming through my headphones for me to ever want to say anything. I feel like a lot of the things on my mind are things that might cause issues with other people or else those things are very personal and I don’t know if I want to open up or not. I am not going to say what I have said many times on here, the whole “I will be more active, trust me stuff”. What I can say though is that my therapist has really been pushing me to try and work through things that hold me back so that I don’t feel weighed down so much.

My partner Bob got accepted for a new job in Tampa and he doesn’t know what his weekly schedule will be once he gets done with his training yet, so my weekly therapy is on hold for a bit. As of now it looks like I won’t have therapy again for at least 3 weeks. In the mean time my therapist has given me the assignment of journaling my thoughts and feelings, which I am kind of excited for. My old therapist Leo, who used to work at Sound Mental Health back in Bellevue (Washington) had me do a lot of journaling and I definitely know there are benefits of just letting everything out. With that said though, I haven’t really wanted to open up and let everything out even if it’s just in my composition notebook ever since before my grandma passed away. I’ll admit I really struggle with my grandma passing and how it went down, and everything that was going on in my life around that time as well. I feel sad and I feel guilty, but most of all I really just really want to go back and right my wrongs and be a stronger person when I was weak and let everyone, not just my grandma, but also my family and my friends who were there supporting me know how much I appreciate everything that they have done for me.

My hopes with beginning to journal again is that I will feel more comfortable with sharing my feelings again. With that said I have been building myself up for about half a week now to write this post. I hope you (look at me talking like I have an audience or something) enjoy this post and depending on the reception it might give me the courage to share more again soon. So here we go, get buckled up.

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We all lose friends along the way, sometimes the friendship has been in a slow decline over many months or years and sometimes it ends over night. Sometimes there is closure, but other times there are things left unsaid and emotions remain that tie you together even after the other party has moved on. I am sure everyone knows what I am talking about, I mean there might be things you wish you told someone before they passed away, or before they moved far away, etc. Today I want to discuss a few instances where I would give anything for closure.

I have been told many times by family, partners, and therapists that I have a really hard time letting things go. I do, I totally agree with them, but sometimes for me it’s not me not wanting to let things go, it has simply been me wanting to let things end on a positive note. I hate for things to be left unsaid and when you and whomever are parting ways due to an incident, misunderstanding, false accusation, or event, it makes things even harder for me. I have lost family, lovers, and best friends this way and it really stinks. I could and to be honest have prayed many times over to be able to fix things, salvage what remains, or show someone that I am a better person due to our relationship.

I have discussed and gone into detail about my grandma passing away a few times on here, but for some of you (again thinking I have an audience) that might not know here is a summary. I found out the second week of February last year that my grandma needed to have heart surgery. At the time I was living with her and she basically was my life’s foundation. I had been going to weekly individual therapy for about 6 months when I found out about her needing surgery. There is something else you should know about me, maybe its due to my conditions or maybe it’s just me, but I always jump to worst case scenario when something goes wrong or when I am anxious and stressed. The week that I found out, I went into therapy nearly in tears because in my mind I knew she wasn’t going to survive her surgery.

Everyone that I talked to tried to comfort me and say that the surgery was one that happens to a lot of people and everyone was saying that the chances of something going wrong were slim to nothing. To say that I was stressed leading up to her surgery is a huge understatement. To be perfectly honest, I was losing it. I had a schizophrenic episode telling me that if I didn’t stop being gay she wouldn’t survive the surgery, I was so depressed that sometimes I just wanted it all to end, I was cutting, I considered suicide many times, and ultimately I was in and out of mental hospitals because I was such a mess.

When my grandma had her surgery I was there at the hospital and I remember standing in the pre-operation room wishing I had the same strength as my grandma. If she was scared she didn’t show it. The surgery went good, but there was a complication during it that made it so my grandma would have to be in the hospital awhile longer. I went to go see her every chance I had and to be honest I was scared to say or think that she was in the clear and that she would be OK. I remember hugging her every time I went to visit her.

While my grandma was in the hospital I was stuck at home alone and I felt so lonely, exhausted, scared, emotional, and depressed that I ended up having to check myself into the hospital for being suicidal. I was in the hospital for 2-3 days before I woke up to a note on my bedside table saying that my mom called for me and that she wanted me to call her back. I didn’t think much of it to be honest, I thought it was just my mom wanting to check in on my since she was spending as much time as she could with grandma. That morning I called my mom and she didn’t answer, I chalk it up to her having her phone on silent. Over the course of that morning and afternoon I must have called my mom 5 times when I had a break in between groups, and every time I just got her voicemail. By the third call I was more annoyed than worried about anything. Finally that night I decided that I needed to talk to my grandma and ask her how her day went and who all came and visited her. Luckily the ward that I was in had a computer that everyone patient could use, so I looked up the general number for the hospital and I called in and said that I was wanting to talk with a family member who was in the hospital. I got transferred once or twice and than when I finally felt like I was going to get to talk to her a male voice answered the phone, it was her doctor I think. He told me that she had passed away earlier that day.

Immediately I was in tears and after he told me I hung up the phone and ran to my room. A nurse came by less than a minute later and she asked me what was going on and I simple said “she died”. Within 3 minutes they had upgraded me to suicide watch and I had a nurse assigned to be by my side at all times. My mom and sister came and visited me in the hospital the next day. My mom said that the recovery was to much for my grandma and that she had requested to be taken off of life support. The last time I saw her I can’t remember if i said that I loved her or if i gave her a hug. I thought I would see her again so I never got to say everything that to this day I wish I could have said.

I never got to tell her how much she meant to me, or how grateful I was for her helping me out and basically being a second mom to me. I have tried talking to her many times since she has passed away, weather it just be when I am praying or when I am alone and really miss her. The thing that I want to tell her them most is that I am going to try my very best to be a better man and be the kind of person I know she would have wanted me to be.

I am literally sitting her with tears going down my face and I have so much snot coming out of my nose that its gross. It has been a long time since I have really thought about her this much, I mean yeah I have talked about her many times in my therapy but I have always just said the bare minimum so that I wouldn’t break down.I miss her so much, I would give up everything just to be able to hear her voice again.

OK I should have talked about my grandma last, I am such a wreck right now that I don’t even know how to move on to the other things that I wanted to talk about. Pardon me if the transition is bad or I don’t put so much heart into the rest of this post.

Another great example of me wishing I could get closure has to be with my ex boyfriend john. We were together solidly for about 2 and a half years, and then we moved closer both to where I was working, but also (and mainly) to be close to where John was going to be going to school at, but with the move came higher rent.

At this time I had already been trying to get SSI/disability for 5 or 6 years. I had doctors who said I should be accepted, I had multiple conditions that on their own should have got me accepted. John didn’t think my conditions were that bad, but I kept most of my feelings and emotions to my self and I hadn’t started going to therapy yet. Things were going well it seemed, until a supervisor at the Nintendo warehouse that I was working at mistook me for someone else and got in my face and threatened that he could get me fired if he wanted to. That incident caused me to have a massive panic attack at work and in the weeks after that I was physically getting sick and throwing up multiple times almost every single day while trying to get ready for work. The next day that I made it into work I spoke with my supervisor and told her what happened and I said that it felt like work was a hostile environment and she simply replied with “He’s an ass”. I didn’t talk to her wanting to get the guy in trouble, I spoke to her wanting to get an apology from him. Not only did he humiliate me, loudly I will add, in front of all of my coworkers, but he caused me to have a panic attack that made me start hyperventilating and I could stop crying.

After that I genuinely wanted to go to work every day because it was the only time I could be with my coworkers who were nice, but also because I really took pride in the work that I was doing and I was damn good at it. After missing multiple days of work my supervisor told me that there was a shipment problem and that there wasn’t enough work for me to need to be there.

I quickly began looking for a new job and luckily I found one at a warehouse and I was accepted. This new job was very different from my job at Nintendo. This one was at a warehouse for a place called North Coast Lighting which is basically a place that sells anything and everything related to lighting for your house. It was way more fast paced and I had a supervisor who was a jerk and was always saying what I was doing wrong or that I was too slow.

The new job wasn’t anything like what I knew and liked, they were having me take 25+ orders a day and have to go find all the products and pieces scattered throughout a giant warehouse. After getting everything for the order I had to bring it to a certain part of the warehouse to stack it all up and I had to print item labels and shipping labels and then usually had to pack all the products into boxes or on pallets and then I had to put all the labels on for shipping all while having certain shipping times that I had to meet. While I worked there I had to learn how to do use a scanner which I had never used before, and I had to learn how to do a bunch of jobs through out the warehouse like accepting shipments and having to count every single item in all the boxes to make sure everything was there and then I had to put them all into the warehouses system using a scanner. Bring up pallets that were ready to be shipped to the drivers every time they showed up. I also had to learn how to drive and operate a forklift, which was terrifying for me because I didn’t and still don’t know how to drive.

To say that I was overwhelmed would be a giant understatement. I was constantly having to double and triple check item numbers and how many items were on the shelves and with my OCD it was pretty miserable. I was lucky to get to have a lunch break while working there, my supervisor would never tell me when I could go on breaks so there were a few days that I never had a lunch break and would be yelled at just for having to go to the bathroom or stopping to have a drink of water. Many days I finally got to have my lunch after working 6 or 7 hours. On top of everything that I had to do at work I also had to learn the bus system which I had never really been on up until then and my daily trip home had 2 transfers which always made me nervous. I had that job for only about 2 months, but to be honest making it that long was an achievement itself. They eventually let me go right before Christmas and I was completely exhausted and I by that time I finally realized how bad my anxiety, OCD, panic attacks, and social anxiety were.

At that time my psychiatrist was pushing so many meds on me always promising that they would make me feel better, but none of them helped. After Christmas was over I had to go into the hospital because of my liver and because my doctors were trying to figure out what was still making me occasionally sick and I had to have a lower endoscopy. I knew that I needed to support John as much as I could, but I knew that I couldn’t work. Less than a month later John said that we were going to lose the apartment and that I should start looking for a place to stay because he had already decided that he was going to stay at his parents house and there wasn’t room there for me. Luckily my grandma said that I could stay with her. I moved in with my grandma less than a week after valentines day and being away from John was killing me. He was the only person that ever showed me love and Only being able to see him once or twice a week really sucked.

I eventually applied for Obamacare because at that time after all the procedures that I had I owed a lot of money and couldn’t afford to go to a doctor or find a therapist. It took about 3 months to finally get accepted for insurance and then I finally got to start looking for help for my conditions and a new psychiatrist. During the time I was trying to get insurance and get into a mental health clinic John had been pressuring me to learn how to drive and get another job and the whole time he had a family member that was dying due to heart problem which made it to where I rarely got to see John and when the family member passed away when I did get to see him it was to help him and his family pack up the persons apartment.

During that summer John finally give me an ultimatum, I either had to learn how to drive by the end of summer or he was going to breakup with me. I knew that I couldn’t learn how to drive in that short amount of time and John wasn’t offering to give me lessons so eventually I pretty much said I am sorry and we went our separate ways. With John went almost all of my local friends because I didn’t think any of them wanted to hangout with me and I figured they were his friends and not mine and because one of them said that they didn’t want to be stuck in the middle of us. After we split there were mean things that were said by both john and I, and less than a year later John finally said what lead him to wanting to leave me. His family member who passed away, who had only met me maybe 7 times, all very briefly, and after us never even having a conversation, said on his deathbed to John that I was using John.

Yes, I will admit I may have expected John to pay for rent or meals when we went out, but John was the only person in our relationship except for 3 months who had a job and had an income. I never asked John to buy me anything and I never “used” him. I told John the very first time we met that I had mental health conditions and was trying to get disability, and John excepted that. Yes me may not have expected me not to get disability for over 2 years, but to be fair, I never expected it to take that long either. I was finally accepted for disability last year after over 8 years of waiting, filling out paperwork, going to doctor and therapy appointments and having them all send in my info. Every single doctor and therapist and even my attorney said that eventually I would get disability and none of them expected it to take that long.

I am a giving person, you can ask anyone that knows me well, I want to help out and do things for other, weather it be having dinner made when my partner gets home, or deciding instead of wanting to throw a birthday party that I will make a 4 course meal and feed my family and good friends. I celebrated almost every anniversary with John, weather it be the 3 months, 9 months, a year, or even the day that we first met. Every single Christmas that I was with John I took all the money I had saved up from mowing the lawn at my grandmas house so that I could give him the best Christmas I could give him. Hell the first Christmas we spent together I spent over $70 on Seattle Seahawk school supplies for him because him and I were both big fans and he was going to school at the time.

I am a very generous person, and how John can look past that and take the opinion of someone who didn’t even know me pisses me off. The closure that I want from my relationship with john is that I wish he would take back ever saying that I used him weather it be him saying that to me or every mutual friend that we had in the area hearing from him that I use people. I know that I will never get closure though, I lost all those friendships including that of who at that time was my best friend and the only person I had ever opened up to and loved and trusted, being John.

After almost 2 years of being separated and having our relationship end like that you would think I would have mean or hurtful things to say to him, but no I don’t. I wish I could thank him for showing me what love was, and thank him for the time we spent together and I would like to congratulate him for graduating from the University of Washington which was his goal the entire time we were together. I lost a part of me when I lost him, but sadly I haven’t been able to move on. I wish I had him as a friend again, I wish that I could have him to talk to because out of everyone in the world I had opened myself up the most to him.

The third instance of not getting closure or getting to say everything that I wish I could have said has to do with a couple I knew back in Washington. A few months after John and I split up they both reached out to me and seemed to want to help me feel better. There names are Randy and John, and even though our friendship was short, it meant the world to me. I began hanging out with them a few months before I found out about my Grandma needing surgery and they were letting me come stay the weekend with them practically every other weekend.

I could be honest with them about my ex and my worries about my grandma and Randy and John both gave me a lot of support, advice, and seemed to really want the best for me. They were always there for me during all the stressful days, and they knew about my hospitalizations and didn’t seem at all freaked out and they would check up on me to see how I was doing. I know that I wouldn’t have been able to make it through everything with my grandma if it wasn’t for them.

Our friendship was great, up until what happened about a week and a half after my grandma passed away. They had let me come stay a night with them and during the day John and I were watching TV and the movie Constantine came on, that movie features a very graphic scene where the main character cuts his wrists with glass and dies. That scene was triggering for me, it made me think of cutting and suicide. I was able to keep the thoughts at bay up until that night when it was bed time. After they went to bed I was laying in the guest bedroom trying to fall asleep but the scene from the movie kept playing over and over in my head and I was very emotional because I was thinking of my grandma and how I wanted to see her again. I finally got to a point to where I was thinking about the shaving razor that was in the guest bathroom that I had saw earlier that evening. I began thinking about cutting and than the thoughts turned into how I would kill myself.

In the moment I did the only thing I could think of and that was to take some of my sleeping pills and a couple attivan to make it to where I could calm my mind enough to where I could fall asleep and I kept telling myself that if i just went to sleep I would wake up and feel better and the urge to hurt myself would go away. After a very long night it was morning time and John woke me up saying that he needed to run me home soon because he had something he had to do that day. So I packed up my bag and we got in his car and we left. Randy and John were two people that I really trusted and I felt like I had to be honest because if I wasn’t they would be mad. So I told John about the night before and I mistakenly said that I overdosed and didn’t want to wake up. John seemed really concerned and we talked about it for the rest of the way home, but I knew that he was really upset with me.

I don’t know exactly what happened next, I can only speculate, but less than an hour later a pair of police officers arrived at the apartment and said that they received a report that I was suicidal. My mom was at the apartment and I told the police officers that I felt better and my mom said that she would bring me to the hospital to be checked in again so that the police didn’t have to bring me and so I could be in there voluntarily and could pack my clothes and CPAP so I have them when I get there.

I ended up being in a mental hospital for less than a week. My mom and I had been packing up all my grandmas stuff and my stuff ever since my grandma passed and I felt like I had to get out of the hospital because I still needed to find somewhere to go because I had nowhere to go after we cleaned out the apartment and returned the keys. After I got out I texted Randy and John to let them know that I was OK and to apologize for what happened. They never really replied and everything was so busy for the next few weeks that I never got another chance to really talk to them other than asking them if I could stay with them, which they said I couldn’t.

After that I called around to a bunch of different organizations in the area and none of them could help me get a place to stay. I ended up staying with some friends down in Portland for a bit. I ended up going up to Ontario to stay with a friend from Facebook because it was my only option and I kind of wanted to leave the Seattle area.

I didn’t have much of my medications when I got up to Ontario because Sound Mental health screwed me over and only gave me 2 weeks worth of my prescriptions. I ended up only being up in Ontario for only around a month because I began having bad withdrawals. I spoke with John before I came back and he said that we could hangout the Friday after I got back.

Once I got back to Washington my mom paid for me to be in a hotel for a few weeks. When it came to that time he was busy with something else and we didn’t get to hangout. During the next couple weeks I found a local organization that could help pay rent for me so I could get an apartment.

A few weeks after getting the apartment I texted Randy and John to see how they were doing, and only John replied and he said that they were mad at me for doing what I did at their house and that if I would have died it would have been help responsible (which it wouldn’t have been) and then John said that he thinks I did what I did for attention. We got into an argument through texting and I finally asked him if he wanted to even be my friend and he said no.

That was the last time John and I spoke. It’s been almost a year and Randy and I are friends on Facebook again, but we very rarely talk. Someone who I shared all this stuff with said that I should have just got out of bed that night and went and woke up Randy and John and tell them what was going on in my head so that they could run me to the hospital. The more I think about it, I think that would have just freaked them out and probably make them think I was trying to get attention even more. I messaged Randy about 2 weeks ago asking if I could have Johns number so I could text him, but Randy never responded.

It kills me that I can’t get closure and that John and maybe Randy thinks that I did what I did for attention and that I can’t be friends with them again because they were both really supportive and we were really good friends. I wish I could at least get to thank them both individually for all that they did for me, especially for helping me get through everything with my grandma.

Now that I moved down here to Florida with my partner Bob who I met when I was up in Ontario, it gets very lonely because I only who 3 people that live down here, but we aren’t great friends. Down here all I have is Bob, my therapist, and the occasional call from my mom. Bob had his best friend who is his ex back in Ontario and they talk on the phone and text each other a lot. I wish I could somehow mend my broken friendship with Randy and John so we could be friends again so I could have their support.

So there you have it those are the 3 biggest things I want closure from. I know I probably will never get closure from any of those people, it would be great to get the weight of regret, sadness, and frustration off of my shoulders, but for the time being I am managing it okay.

Until next time peeps, bye.

 

My 2 Biggest Regrets of 2015

I initially started writing a blog post last night because I was having trouble sleeping, and it was just a “Year In Review” sort of thing but I was mostly focusing on two things. After thinking about it, I figure a big Long post discussing things that I’ve mostly already covered might be a bore to the 5 or so of you (not exaggerating) that read my posts. So with all that said, I am going to use this post to talk about two things from 2015 that I regret. One of them I’ve sort of gone over so I am sorry about that, but the other I have kept private until now. So without further procrastination here we go.

Ok my main regret of 2015, and arguably my life-

  • I never got to say goodbye or I love you to my grandma before she passed

As I’ve discussed before, my grandma passed away last year after having surgery on her heart. Also last year I was having issues with severe depression and suicidal ideation. 

My grandma found out in early February of last year that she needed to have surgery on her heart. When she found out I was actually on a mini vacation visiting a couple that I know in Fort Myers Florida for my birthday. I found out about my grandmas heart as soon as I got back from Florida, and I knew even though everyone was trying to downplay the risks involved with the surgery that my grandma probably wouldn’t make it through the surgery and recovery. 

As soon as I found out about the surgery I let my therapist Leo know and we immediately began discussing the worst case scenarios so that if things went bad I wouldn’t be caught off guard. At that time I was going to therapy 4 days a week (doing like 5 hours of group therapy, 1 hour of individual therapy, and spending 5+ hours in the recovery center every week). I was already dealing with bad depression before finding out about my grandma and once I found out it made my depression and other mental illnesses (schizophrenia, anxiety, OCD, PTSD) act up really bad. 

After about 2 or so weeks of dealing with the stress it all kind of capped off with my biggest schizophrenia episode to date where I ultimately heard the voice of someone who used to be a prominent person in my life who ended up using our friendship to brainwash and manipulate me using religion. His voice told me that if I didn’t stop being gay, my grandma wouldn’t survive her surgery. Having already been dealing with suicidal thoughts I ended up cutting one of my wrists pretty bad thinking that if I made myself suffer it would save my grandma. That day my grandma ran me to my mental health clinic (having no idea what I had done) and I I let one of the people at the clinic know what happened and I was immediately ran to the hospital and then admitted into Fairfax mental hospital where I was held voluntarily for 2 weeks.

The day that I got out of Fairfax my grandma was kept in the hospital over night to have some tests ran on her heart to see if she was healthy enough for the heart surgery. It turned out that she was healthy enough and a few weeks later her surgery was scheduled. That day I spent the day in the hospital waiting room with my mom and aunt. Naturally my anxiety was very high. My grandma made it through the surgery fine, though there was a small complication and because of that she needed to be kept in the hospital for recovery longer. The next few days  my mom and I went and visited my grandma while she was in recovery in the critical care unit. 

My grandma seemed to be doing really well. While my grandma was in the hospital I had our apartment all to myself and It was kind of taking a toll on me. I ended up having a bad depression episode and I had to be admitted into the hospital again for being suicidal. On I want to say the 3rd day that I was in the hospital I ended up recieving a call from my mom where she told me that my grandma had decided that she wanted to be taken off of all support. It immediately took me by surprise, but because she seemed to be doing good the last time I saw her I was still very optimistic. After getting the news I couldn’t seem to reach my mom again and I started getting a little desperate to find out how my grandma was doing. After waiting til the daily groups were done so I could use the phone I ended up looking up the number to the hospital and i called in to talk to my grandma. That was when I ended up recieving the worst news of my life when I ended up getting ahold of my grandmas doctor and he told me that she had passed away. 

I had never got to say goodbye to my grandma and never got to tell her that I love her. Also it kills me that the last my grandma heard of me I was in the hospital again. My family has never been very open with our feelings and I honestly can’t even remember if I gave her a hug the last time I saw her. I will never be able to forgive myself.

My second big regret from 2015-

  • I lost two of my best friends because I made a terrible decision

Back in Seattle I had two really great friends named Randy and John who were a couple, and I had known them for awhile on Facebook and a bear app named growlr. I had never really got to know them until I was going out with my ex boyfriend where Randy and John had invited us to come play darts with them at a sports bar and have some drinks. At that time my ex and I had been living in Woodinville and I had just started my job at one of Nintendo’s warehouses. John and I had been talking a lot and he had been giving me advice with my job and relationship. That first time that we met up John taught me how to play darts and I still remember how he made me think of a drill sergeant meets Oprah. He was strict yet kind and believe it or not I was actually kind of good at darts. After that night we had all met up again for another night of darts and that night was shortly after I had had a bad panic attack at work after a coworker had mistook me for someone else and had threatened to get me fired. John had been really understanding of what happened and gave me advice on how to best deal with the jerk.

A couple months later (February, 2014) my boyfriend and I ended up having to live separately and then a few months later we had broke up and both John and Randy had been big support systems for me during that hard time. After breaking up with my boyfriend Inhad lost a lot of friends and was pretty alone. I had also started therapy later that year and I think John and Randy felt bad for me and they offered to let me come hangout with them. We had started hanging out a times a month and I they had let me come stay the weekend at they house a few times. They had invited me to come watch the Seahawks games with them a few times and we seemed to be getting along really well.

Now fast forward to 2015, I had decided to keep my suicide attempts to myself and after finding out about my grandma needing heart surgery Randy and john really seemed kind of determined to keep me occupied and I had started to get to hangout with them almost every weekend. After my grandma passed away I had got to hangout with them one last time, and that was when I made one of the biggest mistakes of my life… 

I had gotten to stay the night at their house and during the day John and I had been watching the movie Constantine and during that movie there is a very graphic scene where the main character commits suicide by cutting his wrists. I tried to not pay attention but I had seen enough to kind of plant a seed in my mind. Dealing with my grandma passing away had made me be pretty depressed and that night I couldn’t seem to get the thought of cutting out of my mind. It was so bad that I was seriously planning out how I would cut and I had planned to just kill myself in their spare bathroom in the bathtub. I was just about to do it when I rolled over in bed and saw my backpack and remembered that I had all my pills. Immediately I decided I would just take a bunch of pills and force myself to fall asleep so that I could escape the temptation of cutting myself.

I was kind of selective with what pills I took, because I didn’t want to do any serious damage to myself. With that said though, if I was to fall asleep and not wake up I would have been OK with it. I ended up falling asleep and in the morning John woke me up to run me home. On the way home I tried fighting the need to be honest with him, but I decided that I needed to be honest. I told him that I overdosed and I immediately could tell that he was shocked and worried. John had always been brutally honest, but he had said that he was really upset with me and it really hurt because I had grown to really look up to him and Randy, almost like they were father figures. On the way home I remember John had asked me where I go to therapy and I told him. After he dropped me off at the apartment  I went back to bed and about an hour later a pair of police officers showed up and my mom who was at the apartment let them in and they had asked to talk to me. They had told me that they knew that I had tried hurting myself and they told me that one of my friends was worried for my safety and that they (the police officers) wanted me to go to the hospital. I told them that I would go and my mom ended up bringing me to the hospital. I ended up going back to Fairfax for about a week. After getting out of the hospital everything was hectic because my mom and aunt and I had to pack up the apartment and because I had to find a place to stay. I had asked all of my friends a few weeks before if I could stay with them and the only people that would let me come stay with them were a couple I knew up in Ontario. I was really embarrassed about what had happened so I hadn’t really talked to John and Randy that much until after I had left for Ontario. 

Ontario didn’t work out because I ended up running out of my medications and was goingthrough  withdrawals. I ended up only being up in Ontario for about a month and had come back to Washington in June. After coming back I had reached out to John and we had agreed to hangout. John ended up being busy with something and we didn’t get to hangout. After being back in Washington for a few weeks and getting accepted into a housing program and getting my own apartment in Redmond I had continued to try and reach out to John and Randy. I had noticed that they had been really quiet and after being gone for awhile I had really missed them. 

One day I finally built up the courage to ask John what was going on. He told me that both him and Randy were upset with me and they thought that I had overdosed to try and make them feel guilty. I still to this day don’t know what he meant by that, I mean guilty of what? I understood why they were mad because I had decided to overdose at their house and if anything bad would have happened it could have maybe got them in trouble. I ende up becoming defensive and I asked John if he even wanted to be my friend and he said no. That was the last time I spoke with John. I ended up getting mad and I unfriended Randy on Facebook.

Again flash forward to the end of 2015. Randy had accepted my friend request on Facebook and we have talked a tiny bit, but we have never talked about what happened and we aren’t really friends anymore. I ended up making a boyfriend when I had been up in Ontario and after months of being together long distance we decided that we would to Florida and start our life together. Before we left I really wanted to mend things with Randy and John, but it hasn’t happened. The number one thing I wanted before I left was to make things right with them so that of things didn’t work out in Florida I could come home and have them as friends again.

If I could go back in time I would have done something different that night. I’m not sure what I could have done differently that would make it to where we would still be friends. I mean I could have just not told John what happened, but I still think its best that I was honest with him. One friend of mine that I have confided in said that I should have woke John and Randy up and told them what I was feeling. I think if I would have told them what I was having urges to do they would have just been freaked out and ran me to the hospital. I don’t think I could have fought the urges to cut myself on my own that night. 

That night lost me my two best friends. I wish I could somehow get them back, but I think it’s been to long to fix things.
So there you have it my two biggest regrets of 2015.

Giving it another shot

As some of you who are friends of mine on Facebook might remember, I at one time owned a clothing company called Bear Apparel. I owned a URL, made a website, had business cards, and had quite a few shirt designs made up. Long story short, a lot of people said they would buy shirts from me, but when it came time for me to get the first batch of shirts printed nobody wanted to buy a shirt. It turned out that the printing costs were significantly higher than I was initially told. The company crashed and burned and I ended up losing a couple hundred dollars in the process.

Graphic design has always been something I enjoyed ever since I first discovered it back in my Sophomore year of high school. I have been self taught and kind of take pride in that, everything I can do and make is all me. Yes I did take graphic design classes in high school, but we were never really had lessons, it was more or less a class where you decided what to work on. By my senior year I was actually teaching different techniques and effects to my classmates. After high school was when I really grew as a graphic designer because I had a lot of free time and could do large projects at my own pace.

As I mentioned in my last entry on here, I recently moved to Florida with my boyfriend. We don’t have a car yet, so we are both kind of stranded at home all day long. I haven’t messed around in Photoshop since around late May, and I have been getting the urge to just open up Photoshop and see what happens. The other day I finally got around to doing that, and I mostly just messed around for a few hours and made this space scene-

Space Scene

Just doing a small project like that got me hooked again and as a result, I started making some shirt designs. At first they were all just random and I was just trying new stuff out. The first shirt I designed was a grunge style one and you can see I wasn’t really trying-

Rib shirt on shirt templateI knew I wanted some text in the design and I couldn’t think of anything to write, so I just took the words from this picture with a really nice quote that I try to think of and remind myself of.

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After doing that first shirt design I wanted to challenge myself more, and do more clean designs and I figured I would do a second “line”. I didn’t go with Bear Apparel because that was another time in my life and it’s honestly not good memories for me. I knew I wanted to do designs geared towards the bear community since the majority of my friends on Facebook are bears and also because the vision I had of clean designs I have never really seen in that market. Most of the bear geared designs I have seen in bear shops are explicit, and honestly I find them kind of annoying. I would love to have a good bear themed shirt that I could wear around that isn’t in your face when it comes to sex. Hell on a sort of related note, I had a hat that I bought from a bear shop that I really liked the colors and the design, I seriously wore this hat everywhere I went for a year and a half and I knew that the brand was called Nasty Pig. I figured it was just a brand name and didn’t really mean much. I mean I knew the brand makes a bunch of underwear and jockstraps and stuff, and I thought it was just a reference to being slightly kinky. It wasn’t until a friend of mine made a reference to what “pigs” are in the bear community that I found out what the name was referring to and I honestly bought a new hat within a week of finding that out and I haven’t wore that hat since. I guess I am just too reserved and shy when it comes to the image that I want to project to others that, I am honestly embarrassed and slightly afraid to wear any of the bear stuff I have seen to date. My fake line is meant for people like me, that want to show off that they are bears, but in a more reserved way and not be all in your face about it.

Here are the designs I have made so far for the line-

Vintage 2 Vintage Cursive Grizzly Threads Crest Bear Grizzly Threads Crest Paw Grizzly Threads Default Le Fleur Pride Camo Paw Pride Camo Prideful BearI really like my designs so far. I would honestly wear anyone of them if I saw them for sale in a bear shop. I like looking at them because it shows a tremendous amount of design growth for me since the Bear Apparel days. I am doing a way better job of finding good fonts and pairing them well with others. Also I am doing a good job of doing simplistic/minimalistic designs, without over doing them.

Last night I was bored while watching the football game and I did a random search for the Grizzly Apparel (which is what I was using on the shirts as a brand name, I have since changed all of the stuff over to Grizzly Threads) and it turned out that Grizzly Apparel is already being used by a company and from what I could tell by their website, they are geared towards rednecks (they sell confederate flags). I wasn’t at all thinking of my stuff as actual shirt designs that will be printed, but finding out that the brand name I was using was already taken kind of upset me. I mean I didn’t even feel comfortable having the designs posted any longer because I didn’t want anyone to mistakenly think that I was at all affiliated with that company. So I began thinking of another name to use and a friend actually messaged me on Facebook and suggested Grizzly Threads and it kind of stuck with me. So this morning my little project was to change all of the designs over to Grizzly Threads. In the process of doing that my mind started racing a bit and it kind of felt like I felt back when Bear Apparel was first starting up. Like I said I would be proud to wear any of these designs, and I think that’s a huge difference between Grizzly Threads and Bear Apparel. With Bear Apparel I was just making designs and calling them shirt designs. I probably would have only wore 2 or 3 of those designs that I had made back then. Over the last couple days people have been commenting, liking, and sharing my new designs and it started to make me think that maybe people would want to where them too.

I was both excited and apprehensive. I would love to one day be able to see someone that I don’t know wearing something I created, I think that would be one of the greatest feelings ever. I don’t want to make the same mistake that I made with Bear Apparel and kind of count my chickens before they hatch, or in that case it was sales. So this afternoon I decided to just go for it. I made a Cafepress site and posted all of my designs on there. I am not expecting sales or anything, I am just putting the designs there to see what happens. I mean who knows maybe someone on there will stumble across one of my designs and like it enough to want to buy it. Once I get some extra money saved up I think I might actually buy a few of my designs. I would actually buy one of each, but that would be too much money. I am just going to let it be what it is, if I get sales, then that’s great, if I don’t then I at least gave it a shot and won’t be left wondering what could have been. In the mean time I still have the fun of using Photoshop and keeping busy with new projects.

If you are interested in buying one of my designs, you can go here to check out the prices- Grizzly Threads

Where Everything Falls Into Place

QuoteBelieve it or not, I actually don’t look forward to blog updates. I don’t mean to put them off as much as I do though. This place is my private place, one where I can choose what to share and what to keep private. I can choose to let you all in, or I can decide to keep you out and keep everything inside. I really liked doing this blog like 6 months ago (I may not have updated it as often as I should have, but it was not something I dreaded doing. Since then some things have been stewing in my head. I made a post earlier this year that I took down in early July for dumb reasons. I posted about my personal life and about real struggles that I have, and someone took it upon them self to take the most personal thing I have ever shared on here and made me feel guilty for it, and in turn I deleted the post to try and please that person. That post was groundbreaking for me in some ways, I really poured it all out and put myself in a very vulnerable place, and in doing so I found freedom in this blog. Like I said earlier, I don’t look forward to doing these posts anymore. I feel like I can’t open up as much anymore because it brings back feelings of guilt and it makes me feel like I need to read through everything I write and think about how anything could possibly be taken the wrong way…

Fuck it. I shouldn’t have to feel this way. If I burn bridges by being me and sharing my experiences, then so be it. Any life experiences of mine that I choose to share on here from now on are my business. I’m not going to be made the bad guy and feel like a piece of shit ever again. If you don’t like what I say on here, then don’t come here to read what I have to say. And if the person I am talking about is reading this, do me a huge favor and never look at my blog again. I am not pathetic and holding onto the past and following your blog. I have moved on, and now it’s time for you to do the same.

OK now that that is over with…

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Yep, that’s right, I moved to Florida with Bob. I dropped some hints on Facebook about the move, but never let everyone know where we were moving to. We have been here for like a week and a half, and have had our own place for about a week. Yes it is hot, and no I don’t like it. I like seasons, and in the Seattle area we definitely got them all. I think not having super cold winters is going to be one of the things I will miss the most. I am actually missing my flannel shirts and jeans. I have never been a big fan of it being hot out, and even though it’s nearly Winter, it is safe to say that I would probably die if it wasn’t for air conditioning. Even now at 11:30pm, in a room off from them living area where the air conditioner is I am sweating and it’s not fun. Bob and I have been checking out the area a bit lately, we went to the mall and walked around today. The city we are in is OK, I mean I’ll be honest and say that we aren’t in the best part of town so we mostly just stay at home, but the mall is pretty big and we aren’t that far from anything. We walked to the grocery store the other day and that was an adventure. I never thought I would live in Florida, but I do like it so far. There is still a lot we have to see and do, but we have a long time for that.

Today I got to play Call of Duty with a good friend of mine for a few hours, it was really nice and brought back a lot of memories. Gaming used to be a major part of my life and in the past few years I stopped playing, but today made me decide that I want to play more. I am hoping to make more gaming friends and have people that are on during the day, because most of my friends list is made up of gamers from the West coast who play at night. I am a lousy player, but I am still having fun which is what it’s all about. I used to be more into the competitive side of gaming and doing tournaments and stuff, but I am finding it more entertaining just to be on a team with people who are just having fun and chatting about random stuff.

What else to talk about LOL. I will admit it, I have been taking shots as I have been writing this post so I am feeling pretty good right now (still sweaty though).

 

I guess I should talk about Bob.

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I never really made a post about him and he is the love of my life so it’s about time you hear his name and start getting used to it. Bob and I met back in May, after my grandma passed away and I ended up moving up to Newmarket Ontario to stay with some friends who wanted to help me out. Bob sent me a friend request on Facebook and I thought he was super handsome and I figured I should make some more Canadian friends while I was up there so I accepted. Bob and I had mutual friends and he had heard about me I guess and he thought that I might have already gone back to the states, but I was still there and we got to talking and immediately I fell in love with him. He is super nice and has a great sense of humor. After I want to say like a week and a half of talking on Facebook messenger Bob asked if we could meet and I of course agreed. We hit it off really well and I guess you can say the rest is history. I was only up in Ontario for about a month, but Bob and I got to spend a few weekends together and honestly the love I felt for him is so big that I knew I didn’t want to lose him so when I had to start looking into moving back to Washington I discussed it with him and we both agreed that we wanted to continue our relationship. The couple that I was staying with was super nice and understanding and they let Bob stay the the night at their place the last night I was up there and then he got to come to the airport and send me off. I have to mention it because it was such a big blow for me, but when we were at the airport I was expecting to have a at least like 10 minutes to say good buys and do kisses and hugs and what not, but literally with in 15 seconds of checking in I was being ushered away by someone who worked at the gate I was at and Bob and I never really got to say good bye and I didn’t get to say good bye and thanks to one of the guys who let me stay at his place while I was up there. Hollywood seriously makes it seem like you can have a somewhat heartfelt moment at the airport, but the D-bag who worked there totally ruined it. I got in some quick hugs and a kiss or two and then I was having to walk away and I can honestly say it felt like I left a part of me there in the airport with Bob and Paul and as I walked away to go through security and customs and stuff I was tearing up. Anyone who knows me knows that I am not good with goodbyes and I never got to have a proper one with Bob and it killed me, there was so much I wanted to say, but in the minute or so we had together I couldn’t find the words. Bob was amazing, he knew that with my anxiety I have a hard time flying and switching gates and stuff at airports so as soon as I touched down during my layover we were on the phone on Skype and he had been following my flight online to make sure everything was going alright and so he could tell me what gate to go to and be a friendly voice to talk to. Side note, Bob has a way of calming me down so much, it’s amazing. Just hearing his voice makes most of my anxiety go away and it helps relax me so much. Anyways long story short I got home to Washington safe and I was staying in hotels for a few weeks and during that time Bob and I first started forming our plan to live together. Over the next 5 months we came up with a plan and that was to live together in Florida. Over that time we talked every single day on the phone and our relationship only grew stronger. We decided to finally decided to pull the trigger and make it a reality in August when he gave 2 months notice to his roommate. Over the next 2 months we fine tuned everything else involved with the move and the finally on Novemeber 14th it became a reality and I flew up to Toronto to be with Bob for a week and a half and then we began the drive down to Florida (stopping for Thanksgiving at his parent house in New Jersey along the way)

I have to admit it, I am pretty drunk right now. I have done like 8 shots so far and my forehead is numb. I should probably get to bed, but I feel like sharing some more LOL OK I found this 100 question thing on the interwebs and think it might be fun. Ignore if you don’t care to hear random crap about me.

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100 Questions

1. How old will you be in five years?
31 years old

2. Who did you spend at least two hours with today?
Bobert

3. How tall are you?
5’8

4. What do you look forward to most in the next six weeks?
(Hopefully) getting my disability payments started

5. What’s the last movie you saw?
The Martian. Such a great movie, Bob and I both really liked it.

6. Who was the last person you called?
My mom

7. Who was the last person to call you?
My mom

8. What was the last text message you received?
A text message from WordPress to reset my password

9. Who was the last person to leave you a voice mail?
The company that supplies me with my CPAP stuff

10. Do you prefer to call or text?
Depends. If it is something quick I prefer text, but if it is something I have to explain I prefer to call.

11. What were you doing at 12am last night?
Sleeping

12. Are your parents married/separated/divorced?
Single. Never married thank God

13. When is the last time you saw your mom?
The day I flew from Sea-Tac airport to Toronto to be with Bob

14. What color are your eyes?
Brown

15. What time did you wake up today?
8ish

16. What are you wearing right now?
Blue socks and brown under armour boxer briefs

17. What is your favorite christmas song?
Rudolph The Red Nosed Raindeer (OMG I’m so drunk)

18. Where is your favorite place to be?
Honestly, and I know this is weird. I like being at Target. Bob and I went to the local Target the other day and it had the same layout as the one I am used to back in Issaquah Washington and it reminded me a lot of home

19. Where is your least favorite place to be?
Public restrooms

20. Where would you go if you could go anywhere?

Centurylink Field for a Home Seahawks game. I have missed there last two games on TV and it is killing me. I miss my Seahawks.

21. Where do you think you’ll be in 10 years?
No Idea. Probably Florida or Washington State with Bob.

22. Do you tan or burn?
Burn

23. What did you fear was going to get you at night as a child?
OK I am being very personal right now so don’t judge, but my dad was pretty abusive towards me growing up and we got into a lot of fights and my big fear at night was that he was going to come into my room and kill me. I once tied string from my wrist to the doorknob so that if someone came into my room when I was sleeping it would wake me up so I could defend myself.

24. What was the last thing that really made you laugh?
Watching Archer season 5 with Bob last night

25. How many TVs do you have in your house?
2

26. How big is your bed?
Queen?

27. Do you have a laptop or desktop computer?
Laptop, but it isn’t that good.

28. Do you sleep with or without clothes on?
With just my undies on. I can’t even do socks at night.

29. What color are your sheets?
Tan

30. How many pillows do you sleep with?
2 pillows. One for my head, and Mr. Huggie Pillow who I hug at night. True Story.

31. What is your favorite season?
Winter. And go figure I am in Florida of all places.

32. What do you like about fall?
The colors. When I lived with my Grandma I would go for walks at night for exercise and to pray and I would take pictures of the trees with the different color leaves.

33. What do you like about winter?
Honestly, and I know it;s weird, but I always look forward to stepping into a pothole that has frozen over and you get to break the ice.

34. What do you like about the summer?
Going to the beach. I haven’t been to the beach in so long though. I used to go every summer and I miss it. (OK I am going to stop taking shots, I am having a hard time typing and I am not even half way through these questions)

35. What do you like about spring?
The Flowers. If you were to ask me what my favorite thing is it would be mowing the lawn. I hated mowing the lawn back at my grandmas house when the shadow spots were still frozen.

36. How many states provinces have you lived in?
As of a week ago (it’s past midnight) 2, Washington state and Florida.

37. What cities/towns have you lived in?
Issaquah, Ellensburg, Renton, Bellevue, Kent, Woodinville, Redmond, and Lakeland.

38. Do you prefer shoes, socks, or bare feet?
Depends. It’s either Shoes or bare feet. If in public I like shoes. but at home I like bare feet.

39. Are you a social person?
I try to be one, but I fail miserably. I am good at Facebook messenger though.

40. What was the last thing you ate?
A ham and pepper jack cheese sandwich.

41. What is your favorite restaurant?
That’s a tough one. It depends on my mood, if I want all you can eat I want to say Olive Garden, if it’s just a quick dinner I will have to go with Wendys.

42. What is your favorite ice cream?
Vanilla bean ice cream. The kind where you see the black specks in the white ice cream. (OMG I am so drunk… I am only doing these 100 questions for you guys)

43. What is your favorite dessert?
Cheese cake

44. What is your favorite kind of soup?
Broccoli chedder

45. What kind of jelly do you like on your PB & J sandwich?
Grape.

46. Do you like Chinese food?
OMG yes so much
47. Do you like coffee?
So much, but I rarely have it because it costs so much. I stayed at my friends Brian and Don’s house back in February and they had a Keirig coffee maker and I loved a cup of coffee with hazelnut creamer,

48. How many glasses of water, a day, do you drink on average?
I drink probably 3 16.9 ounce bottles a day

49. What do you drink in the morning?
Water with some kind of flavoring

50. What non-banking related card in your wallet is the most valuable to you?
I would have to say my ID. I mean duh it;s important

51. Do you sleep on a certain side of the bed?
Left side

52. Do you know how to play poker?
I think I do, but I am sure I would be schooled by anyone that actually knows how to play

53. Do you like to cuddle?
Cuddling is the shit. I ❤ to cuddle

54. Have you ever been to Canada?
yes. Don;t you read my blog

55. Do you have an addictive personality?
I probably do have one

56. Do you eat out or at home more often?
Lately it’s been at home more often.

57. What do you miss about highschool, if anything?
Having friends that you see everyday. I miss my graphic design and PE (usually volleyball or basketball) classes a lot.

58. Do you know anyone with the same birthday as you?
Frank Sinatra, does that count?

59. Do you want kids?
Nope, I don’t have the patients for kids (it just took me 3 trys to hit the ‘ button)

60.Do you speak any other languages?
Nope, but I would love to learn Japanese.
61. Have you ever gotten stitches?
I had stitches behind my left ear when I had my second typanpoplasty surgery done

62. Have you ever ridden in an ambulance?
To go to Fairfax mental hospital. Twice.

63. Do you prefer an ocean or a pool?
Pool. Don’t have to worry about sand and sharks

64. Do you prefer a window seat or an aisle seat?
Window fo sho

65. Do you know how to drive stick?
Ha. I don;t know how to drive period.

66. What is your favorite thing to spend money on?

I have to say food. I am most leinient with fast food. I know I spelled that wrong sorry

67. Do you wear any jewelry 24/7?
Only my promise/engagement ring

68. What is your favorite TV show?
Survivor

69. Can you roll your tongue?
What do you mean

70. Who is the funniest person you know?
I like to think I am funny

71. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?
Nope.

72. What is the main ring tone on your phone?

The Harry Potter theme song

73. Do you still have clothes from when you were little?
Nope

74. What red object is closest to you right now?
My other pair of headphones have red on them and they are on the desk

75. Do you turn off the water while you brush your teeth?
Sadly it depends on if I remember to turn it off.

76. Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed?
Closed. Open closets are scary closets

77. Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of bees?
A bear attack would be something to brag about if you survive

78. Do you flirt a lot?
I don’t think I do, but people say I do

79. What do you dip a chicken nugget in?
BBQ sauce

80. What is your favorite food?
Depends, but I really like chicken sandwiches and pizza

81. Can you change the oil on a car?
As a matter of fact I can bitch

82. Have you ever gotten a speeding ticket?
No because I don’t drive

83. Have you ever run out of gas?
Never

84. What is your usual bedtime?
9-10pm. Damn it’s 1:27am

85. What was the last book you read?
I am in the middle of reading The Scorch Trials

86. Do you read the newspaper?
Never

87. Do you have any magazine subscriptions?
Nope

89. Do you watch soap operas?
No

90. Do you dance in the car?
Sometimes

91. What radio station did you last listen to?
Don’t know

92. Who is in the picture frame closest to you?
Someone Bob knows

93. What was the last note you scribbled on a piece of paper?
Can’t remeber

94. What is your favorite candle scent?
Vanilla

95. What is your favorite board game?
Risk

Where’s 96? here. Ugh so gay

97. When was the last time you attended church?
Like 3 or 4 years ago

98. Who was your favorite teacher in high school?
My middle school science teacher he was awesome

99. What is the longest you have ever camped out in a tent?
I want to say 5 days

100. Who was the last person to do something extra special for you?
Bob

 

OMG I am finally done now I can go to sleep. I love you all

2cmRsGiansU

 

Random notes on my phone

I was just browsing my phone and found a few notes I had saved from awhile back, I completely forgot about them and after rereading them I thought I would share with you guys.

Here is the first one-

“Don’t Look Back”

Jumping overboard the air rushes like the memories of our past, then suddenly I crash into the water and sink into the feeling of knowing that you are better off without me and I’m going to have to learn to swim at last. I don’t want you to save me this time, I need to know I can do it on my own.
Don’t look back, just go on. Go on.

I’m doing this for us, I mean me, I need to fix myself for us to ever work, but I wasted time denying the truth and now it’s come to this. Why do I feel so selfish? You’ve moved on, but I’m still clinging onto the past because that’s where I was in your arms and felt safe. That’s all I can do, because I was too late.

Don’t look back, just go on. Go on.

Seeing you speed off into the distance I whisper I love you, knowing you won’t hear me, but wishing you would and come back to save me as I’m being swallowed by the sea. They say time heals wounds, but mine are still open and growing. And so I say…

Don’t look back, just go on.

Here is the second one-

“The Apple”

I see that you’re calling again, must mean you’ve been drinking. You say you do it to numb your pain, but you make me afraid to do the same. You’ve called me a mistake enough times that I’ve started to believe it. Funny how no matter how much I try to deny it, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. You’ve made my life a living hell and you expect me to want to keep you in it? You’ve been dead to me for years and I wish I’d be dead to you.

And the third-

“Letting Go”

This hurts me more than you’ll ever know. I need to let you go, because I’m only holding you back and I care for you to much. You’re the person that showed me what true love is and now I’m having to walk away from it to show you how much I love you. You deserve far better than me and I wish you the best.


I don’t think I’d call these poems, they were just random writings I did when I couldn’t sleep. I’ve never really done that much writing in my life so I doubt these are even good, I just saved them because (much like this blog) I like to sometimes look back at what I was thinking or feeling at a given time so I can see growth or change in my life. If I remember correctly I wrote these after my music appreciation therapy group had a spoken word style exercise where we were asked to present a poem over some acoustic guitar, but I was to nervous to share (because I don’t like talking about personal things in front of people) so I guess you can try and imagine these almost like they are songs.

Been a lot going on

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A lot has happened since my last blog post and I wanted to fill you all in on what’s new.

I guess first things first, the big stuff: I got a small studio apartment. HEN is paying for it and so far everything has been alright. It’s pretty small, but considering that I don’t own much it’s the right size for me. The feeling of isolation has never been stronger though, I’ve always lived with someone else and I’ve already had a couple panic attacks since moving here, the most notable one landed me in the emergency room. I’m having a hard time with feeling comfortable enough to leave my apartment because someone could easily break in and steal everything I own.

My new boyfriend (as of May 29th) Bob and I are still going strong. We talk everyday and we seem to be making this whole long distance thing work well. He is easily my best friend and I fall in love with him more and more each and every day. I don’t think right now is the time to talk about and share our plans for our relationship just yet though.

I have been getting sick again… I don’t know if I have mentioned my past medical stuff on here before, but long story short I get sick and throw up almost every morning right when I wake up and also sometimes at night. Last time my stomach was acting like this it went on for nearly a year. I thought it was in my past because it stopped happening about a year and a half to two years ago, but it started up again shortly before my passed away. At first it wasn’t as often, but it was happening off and on ever since and then it started up almost every day back when I was staying in the hotel before I got this apartment. To say that it’s no big deal wouldn’t be completely honest, it does get me down pretty often, but since I’ve lives with this stuff before I’m kind of used to it. In the coming days I will be hopefully scheduling a visit with my stomach doctor to talk about my condition (which is still unknown) and discuss maybe having another upper endoscopy to look for ulcers which I’ve been told could possibly be causing this by another doctor. *queue the pregnancy jokes*

Today I met with a general surgeon to discuss my gallbladder since I have a history of gallbladder attacks and he wants to go ahead with having it removed. I should be getting a call in the next few days to schedule the surgery. I’m nervous, but at the same time I’m excited to have some stress that I’ve had for the last few years removed. When I’ve had my gallbladder attacks I felt more helpless than ever so to eliminate that fear would be a huge relief.

Sound Mental Health isn’t working out anymore. Since I left the clinic to go stay up in Canada I was taken out of the program and had to go through the intake process again once I got back in Washington (that was over a month ago) and they still have me on a waiting list to get a therapist. Since its the summer they don’t have as many interns in the program so clients (like me) are left waiting without help or support from a therapist. I’ve already begun researching psychiatrists and psychologists in the area, and if when I go in next week they still don’t have my assigned to a therapist I am going to start making calls to see who is taking new patients and how long it’ll be before I can get started. It kills me a bit to think that I won’t be at SMH because in the past they helped me a lot and they have saved my life on a few occasions, but right now I feel like the best thing for me is to get therapy and treatment and not just sit around having to deal with my anxiety and emotional problems on my own. I am not going to groups anymore because they took away the painting group which I enjoyed the most and also because I feel individual therapy is what’s most important for me right now.

Socially I have been isolating myself a lot, but I am trying to make steps to expand my social circle and get out more. I can’t wait until the football season starts up again because then I might be able to hangout with some of my best friends again and watch games with them. I can’t remember the last time I hung out with the guys who were my biggest support system back before I left for Ontario.

Mentally, my conditions are alright. I haven’t thought of suicide or self harm in a few months. I think the love that Bob shows me is a big part of that. I do still get the occasional depression episode or sleepless night due to anxiety, but my schizophrenia hasn’t acted up at all.

Physically I’ve been OK, I have been dealing with a bad cough and strep throat the last couple weeks. I actually had a couple xrays done to see if I had pneumonia or some other lung conditions but they all came back clean. I’ve been on antibiotics and cough medicine for the last week and I feel loads better and I am no longer contagious which is nice. My cough is still on the tail end of its cycle, but I did buy some cough medicine today and it’s working amazingly well and I am only coughing a little bit now. Other than being sick I’m physically doing well. I am down to 270 (fully clothed) so I am down 20 pounds since February and according to my last blood work my liver levels are better than they’ve been in over a year.

Overall I think life is going good. I’m happier now than I have been in a long time and I am actually going to bed looking forward to what the next day brings which is a new feeling for me.

Ok now here is something that I feel I need to explain. My last blog post, which I have since deleted, might have been inappropriate. I tried explaining how I have an issue with standing up for myself, but that message might have been lost with the example I used. With that said though I honestly regret deleting it because I feel it was the most honest and revealing post that I have ever made. If I offended, upset, frustrated, or irritated anyone with that post I apologize, but this blog is my place to share my experiences and my story and even though I will be choosing what I share more carefully, I will not delete another post for someone else again.

New Relationship and Huge News

So since my last blog post a lot has changed. I have a new boyfriend named Bob, and he is the sweetest person I have ever met. He makes me so happy and it’s hard for me to keep a smile off of my face when I am with him. 11403463_10153516414793777_1701932465050070878_n   I have moved back to Washington because I needed some of my medications again and need to continue my therapy (which I will get to next). Moving back here is kind of putting a strain on my relationship with Bob because we can’t see each other any more (besides through skype), but I believe we love each other enough and we will make it through this rough patch. We already know that we want to live together, and we are in the early stages of looking at places and are saving as much as we can so we can get back together soon. I have to go through the intake process at Sound Mental Health again (I am going to do it tomorrow morning) because I was removed from the program for being inactive since I was up in Ontario for nearly a month. This also means that I will more than likely have a new therapist, which is a a bummer because I really liked my old therapist. Most people that know me, know it takes me trusting someone before opening up about every day stuff, but when it comes to deep things like my relationship with my dad/Tom, things like the death of my grandparents and loss of really good friends, and especially things like what Rich (read my past post about religion) did to me, it takes a huge amount of trust and it’s not just something I can open up about right away so I am nervous about having to start a brand new therapist/client relationship all over again. I am currently homeless. I am staying in a hotel until Friday and then after that I have no idea where I will be staying. Staying with family wouldn’t work out. My sister doesn’t want me staying with her and my mom and since my sister is in her “rebel” years, it’s frustrating being told to “f*** off” constantly and being yelled at, so living with her and my mom wouldn’t be healthy for me. Another possible option I thought I had housing wise was staying with my grandparents (from my dads side), but my dad said that they said I can’t stay with them because he is currently staying with them and they already want him out of the picture so they don’t want me there too. I tried calling about 20 low income housing places in King County, but none of them had openings or else they had 3+ year long waiting lists and I wouldn’t be able to get into a place quickly like I need. And wait for it… *cues drum roll* I just found out an hour ago that I was re-accepted into the HEN (Housing and Essential Needs) program through DSHS, which will hopefully help me get a place to stay soon. The weird thing is that I never reapplied for the program. I was accepted for it over a year ago when I was living with my grandma, but since I was staying with her I didn’t need the program and you can only be in it for a year before they remove you. I found out today after I applied for assistance through DSHS’s website and got a phone call from one of the workers wondering why I was applying for assistance when I was already in the HEN program and that would give me more assistance in having shelter since I mentioned in my application that I am homeless. I got a hold of my case worker today shortly after hearing the good news and he gave me the contact number for the HEN program (the letter informing me of my acceptance was sent to my grandmas old address and wasn’t forwarded to my new mailing address so I didn’t have it) and I called in at 4:40 and even though they say their hours are from 8-5, the phone lines were already closed. That just means I will have to call tomorrow after doing my intake interview with SMH and start getting everything going. Words can’t explain how excited I am about the news. I have been hoping and praying for God to help me out so I won’t end up in a shelter or on the streets and it truly feels like this is Gods work. The ball isn’t rolling yet though and I don’t have a place yet, so I am hoping I don’t jinx it by saying anything or jump the gun and get ahead of myself, but the HEN program will help me with paying rent so I can get a place to stay so I am super excited. I wanted to share this news with you all since this is kind of my “private place” to discuss my life or vent. Now excuse me while I go do a little dance. (joking, scary I know)