April Update

Well April is in full swing, I figure I should dust off this blog and do another post. I don’t really know why I even bother, everyone that looks at this also is my friend on Facebook so they know the majority of what’s going on with me just from my posts on there. I guess I just write on here like it’s a journal, detailing all the main points of my life so that one day when I get bored or need a remind of what I’ve been through I can jump on here and see that yeah I’ve been through a lot of shit in my life but I’m still alive. I think everyone needs that kind of reminder a few times on their life.

Since this blog is relatively private and anyone that reads it seems to be interested in me I do occasionally post about things that I don’t share on Facebook, things that I feel are too personal to share with everybody. In this post I will be sharing some of those things.

I guess to start I will go over everything that has been happening since my last post, but seeing as how I am already in the writing grove and don’t want to stop to go check what I said in my last post because I hoe stay don’t remember what I said, I will just do a quick recap. 

Here we go!

I am still working on my clothing company, I haven’t been doing that many designs lately because I kind of lost inspiration. Anyone that looks at my designs will probably say that my designs are mostly text based, and that I need to work on doing better graphics, so honestly what I’ve been doing the last couple months in just doing tutorials and side projects to push myself and grow as an artist. I’m realizing as I do some of the random tutorials that I don’t use a lot do the tools that bigger artists use. For example the pen tool, I honestly hate it, I never liked using it, but now I am starting to see that it’s one of the most important tools for someone that wants to sell their designs.  I kind of pride myself off of being “self taught” in Photoshop, I’ve never taken formal classes where you learn to use it, everything I know I have picked up along the way while doing small tutorials to learn different effects and also from seeing a design and dissecting it until I can reproduce it for myself. I wouldn’t say that I am good at what I do, mostly because I can’t really define what I do. I’m kind of my own worst critic when t comes to seeing my designs.

I am still preparing for the Disney 5K, which is in less than two weeks. I haven’t been going for walks every day like I was a couple months ago, Daylight Savings Time really kind of kicked me in the balls. Before I could wake up between 5 and 6am and it would already be light outside, but now it doesn’t get light outside for another hour and I’m kind of an impatient person. As soon as I wake up and get dressed I want to go right on my walk, but now I’m stuck having to slow down or distract myself for awhile before it’s light enough outside. 

    I ended up being hospitalized again last month because I was feeling really overwhelmed with some stuff that was going on and when I get really stressed I have suicidal ideations. I was also having delusions caused by my schizophrenia, that had me fearing for my safety. Luckily the day that I was feeling super overwhelmed was the same day that I had a psychiatrist appointment, so instead of having to call a crisis line or 911, I just had to wait a few hours. My psychiatrist saw that I was struggling and I was brutally honest when I answered her questions and she had me moved into a different office and then about 15 minutes later a police office walked on and escorted me out to his car and I was brought to the ER. I ended up sitting g in the ER for a few hours and then they eventually moved me down to the intake ward and then that night they transferred me over to a mental health ward. I was in the hospital a few days and made a couple friends. Bob was very supportive and came and saw me for almost all the visitation times. My mom and sister were also pretty supportive. I only saw a doctor twice while I was in there and they didn’t really do much to help me. I’ve had a couple therapy appointments since then and have seen my psychiatrist and she helped change some of my medications and I am doing a lot better. Being able to get everything that was stressing me off of my chest helped a lot and I realized that my delusions aren’t realistic and that I am safe here. I haven’t been going on walks that often since I got out of the hospital, and wouldn’t feel comfortable going on the path I was going before because one spot is kind of a trigger for bad thoughts.

    The day after I got out of the hospital I found out that one of my best friends on Facebook, and one of my best friends in general had passed away. He had had a surgery the week before and I guess he passed away suddenly when he was at home. His name was George and his posts on Facebook were sometimes the highlights of my day and I still find myself checking Facebook hoping to find posts like his. George was always someone that I could come to for advice and chat with. We had been friends on Facebook for a few years and after my grandma passed away he was very supportive and helped me out when I was at the lowest point in my life. I never had the opportunity to meet him in person or to properly thank him for being such a good friend, the last thing I said to him was that I was going to be praying that the surgery goes well. 

    Bob and I have had to bring our car into Pep Boys the last two weekends to have parts repaired, it’s made money pretty tight this month, and it’ll probably be that way the next couple months. 

    Finally after months of not-so-patiently waiting my physicians office finally got my referral set up so I can get hearing aids. I went in last week to pick out the color of my hearing aids. I will be picking them up this week. I’m a little frustrated with the hearing aid company because they think it’s ok to calibrate the hearing aids to my hearing test results from the last time they saw me (Fall of 2016) instead of testing me again, so the hearing aids could be messed up. They told me that the soonest they could give me another hearing test and program the hearing aids so they will work the best for me is in 3 months. When I had my last hearing test with them the doctor said that I had fluid in my ears and she sent me to an audiologist to get on drops for my ears and to also have tubes put in. I don’t want to damage my ears any more than they already are, but whatever I guess. I called my case worker and explained what I was being told by the hearing aid company and she called in to them and looked into it. She later called me back and confirmed everything about the hearing test. I am not entirely thrilled to be getting hearing aids, but I’ve come to terms with it. I had hearing aids back in Washington, but I lost them when I moved.

    Well I guess that’s the main stuff I wanted to highlight in this post. Until next time…

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