Huge step and a bad milestone

Today is day 4 of my journey and I made a big step and a huge commitment. This April I will be participating in a 5K fun run at Epcot. A friend of mine from Facebook let me know about Disneys events and we had been talking for a few days about them and then some spots opened up for the 5K. It is going to be Star Wars themed, Disneyland is the Light side and Disney World is the Dark side.

I am anxious and nervous, I don’t want to be the slowest person there or slow down my friend, but he assured me that there will be slower people than me. I am excited though, this would be my first chance since high school to earn something and not everyone can say that they have participated in a 5K before. If I had to say, I would say that my anxiety and excitement are even right now.

Now onto the bad news… Today something happened that I swore would never happen, something that is going to make me commit to my walking and dieting even more: I found out that I weight 300 pounds. That means I need to lose 110 pounds to get to my goal weight of 190. I am not happy at all with the news, pretty depressed to be honest. I just gathered up and threw all of the carb heavy food out of the house. This is a huge wake up call for me, and I don’t want to fail. 

Any and all support will be appreciated 


Day 2 

Yesterday went great exercise and diet wise. 

When I woke up I had a yogurt when I took my pills and spent awhile psyching myself up a bit and preparing myself mentally for the anxiety I would be facing.

I went for a walk down one of the nearby streets and back and it totals 2.7 miles. I could tell right away that I was out of shape because my lower back was hurting and my ankles were sore, but luckily there are a few bus stops along the street for me to sit down at. I remember getting to the first stop and texting Bob to let him know that I only made it that far. I was disappointed and frustrated and so I sat there for a bit stretching and rotating my ankles. When I got up and started coming back to the house I felt better and it was like a switch went off in the back of my head, I am going to go as far as I can before I turn back, yeah the walk back is going to suck but I want to push myself and if I just stopped when things began getting hard I wouldn’t make much progress. I just kept walking and walking and kind of got into the music I had on and I checked Pokémon Go every once in awhile to see if I hatched any eggs and what Pokémon were nearby, by the time I knew it I made it to the end of the street. I crossed the street and started coming back. By that time I knew that I already had a pretty big blister on the top of my right foot. I stopped at each bus stop along the way for little rest time and to rotate my ankles some more. I made it home and felt relieved, and excited. I survived.

The whole time I was worrying about the house and thinking someone was going to break in be seal everything and the cats would run away. I was worried that someone would come up behind me while I was walking and would attack me or drive their car up on to the curb and hit me. I was thinking that someone would try and steal my phone and how I would be too warn out to run away or chase after someone.

As soon as I got home I took off my shoes and my feet felt a million times better, then I took a shower and drank lots of water and sat down to relax for a bit. I knew that even though I felt like I had just won the first war that I was only halfway done with the day, I needed to stick with my diet. I hadn’t really prepared to have healthy food in the house so I made due with what we had. I had a lean cuisine and a bag of steamed veggies for dinner and felt full.

I usually end up taking a nap during the day but surprisingly I wasn’t that tired and I stayed up until the Seahawks game came on and that kept me entertained until Bob got home from work. Staying up after Bob got home was a struggle though, I was pretty tired, but then again I usually do get tired before Bob anyway (once I get a new CPAP machine and get on the right settings I will finally get a good nights sleep) I slept terrible to be honest. It took me awhile to fall asleep and I woke up a couple times. 

I ended up waking up around 4 and was hungry. I couldn’t think of anything healthy to eat but I knew that I had some microwaveable salt and vinegar flavored potatoes. I knew I shouldn’t but I had them. I convinced myself by saying that if I didn’t have them now I would have them another time. I hate wasting money and throwing away anything so I knew I would have to eat them.

Anyways I went back to bed and tried to get back to sleep. I finally managed to get a little bit more sleep. 

I woke up this morning and had my usual yogurt with my meds. Bob had to work again today, but he didn’t have to go in until later so I decided to go for a walk while he was home because that would eliminate half of my anxiety. 

The walk today was much easier, even though I felt like I was off to a bad start when I realized I forgot both my glasses and my hat. Luckily it wasn’t that warm yet so I didn’t sweat as much as yesterday, but I did have my sweat rag in my pocket to help keep the sweat out of my eyes. I decided to try my walk today without my Dr Schulls custom orthotics and honestly my feet felt way better today both during the walk and after. I kept repeating in my head during the walk the phrase that Jeff Probst said that stuck in my head “(going from) fearful to fearless” and it was helping motivate me. 

I know I have to get better with my diet, next time Bob and I go shopping we will have to fill our propane tank (finally) so that I can start cooking food on the stove. I know I can stick to a diet if I have the food readily available, My OCD acted up a few years ago and I went on a crazy 500 calorie a day diet for a month and got all the way down to 200 pounds. I am not going to diet anything like that again, but I did pick up some nice tricks from that diet like having a meal replacement bar with a whole lot of water to replace a meal and I also know that I can stick to having the same food every day. 

I am thinking I will do 2-3 eggs with some sausage for breakfast, and a mix of yogurt and snacks like celery and peanut butter, flavored almonds, or salad, and then pork chops for dinner or I can stick to my lean cuisines for dinner.

I wish we had a Planet Fitness nearby, it would be nice to have an affordable gym close by so I could use work out equipment and learn to lift weights. I would probably be too nervous and anxious to go to a gym on my own anyway. 

Anyways, day two seems to be off to a decent start. I’m hoping it will continue to be good.

My Journey Begins

If any of you know me well then you know I am a big fan of the show Survivor. This last season Gen X and Millenials was my favorite season so far, it had a great set of people and one of them in particular has left a lasting impression with me. David Wright was an oddball, he came into Survivor being constantly fearing death and was literally afraid of birds on the first day (they were chasing him though). David was very paranoid about the game, especially being fearful that he was going to be voted out. The David that started that was there on day one was not the David that was voted out on day 38 (he was the last juror). Over the course of the game David gained confidence in himself and even though he was looked at as an underdog who had trouble swimming, he became a big threat in the game having won a few individual immunities. Davids good bye speech on the show was very moving, he said that he may not have been the Sole Survivor, but he was leaving a changed man, a better man.

If you are reading this than you know about everything I’ve been through, and my anxiety and mental health issues, and being on disability. I am a fearful person, I barely leave the house and when I do I don’t like to do it alone. Just going to get the mail or bring out the trash is stress inducing for myself. Watching David’s transformation on Survivor was very moving for me, and it got me thinking, why can’t I change for the better like David did? I would love to be on Survivor, yes, but being picked for the show would be like winning the lottery. And in the end changing for the better, and shedding my fears and anxiety would be worth just as much as a million dollars. I want to be healthy, I want to be able to not worry about worrying.

Today I began a journey, one to get in shape and get healthier. I am going to be making a strong effort to start getting out of the house and going for walks and eating healthier to help me lose weight. I know I will probably never be on Survivor, I take lots of medications and I use a CPAP machine and I am sure if I was to be on a beach somewhere with a bunch of strangers, the person that snores at night wouldn’t be liked and would probably be one of the first to be eliminated. I am hoping to get healthy and get off of some of my medications and maybe possibly not need a CPAP machine anymore. I know it’s going to take me losing a lot of weight but I think I am ready for this. 

I usually just sit at home watching television and the only real times I get out of the house are for doctors appointments or for when Bob and I are spending time together and are running errands. I’ve never been someone to just go for a walk and I am pretty carefree when it comes to eating. I eat what sounds good to me and I eat as much as I need to so I am not hungry anymore. For New Years I gave up soda, I’ve given up carbonated drinks for a whole year before and I am hoping to do it again. So as of today I haven’t had soda in 2 weeks and I feel like I am sleeping better which is nice.

I came up with this whole journey idea last night and went to bed thinking about it and I woke up today feeling like a man on a mission.  I spent a little time stalling but eventually I got out of the house and went for a walk, the first time I’ve left the house on my own with out a purpose like getting the mail or something. I texted Bob right as I was leaving to let him know where I was going. I just started walking and I knew what street I was going to go down and not even half way down the street I was feeling it, my lower back was aching and my ankles were very sore. I texted Bob and told him how far I went and said that I was going to come back, but then I kept going. I know that this journey wasn’t going to be easy and I didn’t want to be discouraged by seeing just how out of shape I was so I just kept pushing and before I knew it I was at the end of the street and started walking back. I stopped at a few benches along the way just to rotate my ankles and to give my back a break but I did it. By the time I got home I opened up the health app on my iPhone and saw that I had walked 2.7 miles. 

I have a Facebook friend that is kind of local who does 5k and 10k walk/runs at Disney and I am hoping to eventually get into good enough shape to join him for a 5k. 

My hope is that I will keep reaching milestones along the way and that I will get into the best shape of my life and not need to be on so many medications. I’d love to say “I want to lose 100 pounds and not need a CPAP anymore and not snore, but I know that that isn’t realistic. I would also love to say that I would get on Survivor and do well on the show, but that’s unrealistic too. I just want to get healthier and fitter. I know I will see setbacks along the way, I mean just today I realized that after over 2 years I need new shoes because I have a big blister now. I am going to try and stay as positive as I can when something comes up. 

This is my journey, and this is my mission. I will try and keep you all up to date with everything