First off in an unrelated note to this post, I apologize for not being more active on here. Honestly I have had many times since my last entry where i have wanted to talk about stuff, but it takes me physically being in front of my laptop and having good music coming through my headphones for me to ever want to say anything. I feel like a lot of the things on my mind are things that might cause issues with other people or else those things are very personal and I don’t know if I want to open up or not. I am not going to say what I have said many times on here, the whole “I will be more active, trust me stuff”. What I can say though is that my therapist has really been pushing me to try and work through things that hold me back so that I don’t feel weighed down so much.
My partner Bob got accepted for a new job in Tampa and he doesn’t know what his weekly schedule will be once he gets done with his training yet, so my weekly therapy is on hold for a bit. As of now it looks like I won’t have therapy again for at least 3 weeks. In the mean time my therapist has given me the assignment of journaling my thoughts and feelings, which I am kind of excited for. My old therapist Leo, who used to work at Sound Mental Health back in Bellevue (Washington) had me do a lot of journaling and I definitely know there are benefits of just letting everything out. With that said though, I haven’t really wanted to open up and let everything out even if it’s just in my composition notebook ever since before my grandma passed away. I’ll admit I really struggle with my grandma passing and how it went down, and everything that was going on in my life around that time as well. I feel sad and I feel guilty, but most of all I really just really want to go back and right my wrongs and be a stronger person when I was weak and let everyone, not just my grandma, but also my family and my friends who were there supporting me know how much I appreciate everything that they have done for me.
My hopes with beginning to journal again is that I will feel more comfortable with sharing my feelings again. With that said I have been building myself up for about half a week now to write this post. I hope you (look at me talking like I have an audience or something) enjoy this post and depending on the reception it might give me the courage to share more again soon. So here we go, get buckled up.
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We all lose friends along the way, sometimes the friendship has been in a slow decline over many months or years and sometimes it ends over night. Sometimes there is closure, but other times there are things left unsaid and emotions remain that tie you together even after the other party has moved on. I am sure everyone knows what I am talking about, I mean there might be things you wish you told someone before they passed away, or before they moved far away, etc. Today I want to discuss a few instances where I would give anything for closure.
I have been told many times by family, partners, and therapists that I have a really hard time letting things go. I do, I totally agree with them, but sometimes for me it’s not me not wanting to let things go, it has simply been me wanting to let things end on a positive note. I hate for things to be left unsaid and when you and whomever are parting ways due to an incident, misunderstanding, false accusation, or event, it makes things even harder for me. I have lost family, lovers, and best friends this way and it really stinks. I could and to be honest have prayed many times over to be able to fix things, salvage what remains, or show someone that I am a better person due to our relationship.
I have discussed and gone into detail about my grandma passing away a few times on here, but for some of you (again thinking I have an audience) that might not know here is a summary. I found out the second week of February last year that my grandma needed to have heart surgery. At the time I was living with her and she basically was my life’s foundation. I had been going to weekly individual therapy for about 6 months when I found out about her needing surgery. There is something else you should know about me, maybe its due to my conditions or maybe it’s just me, but I always jump to worst case scenario when something goes wrong or when I am anxious and stressed. The week that I found out, I went into therapy nearly in tears because in my mind I knew she wasn’t going to survive her surgery.
Everyone that I talked to tried to comfort me and say that the surgery was one that happens to a lot of people and everyone was saying that the chances of something going wrong were slim to nothing. To say that I was stressed leading up to her surgery is a huge understatement. To be perfectly honest, I was losing it. I had a schizophrenic episode telling me that if I didn’t stop being gay she wouldn’t survive the surgery, I was so depressed that sometimes I just wanted it all to end, I was cutting, I considered suicide many times, and ultimately I was in and out of mental hospitals because I was such a mess.
When my grandma had her surgery I was there at the hospital and I remember standing in the pre-operation room wishing I had the same strength as my grandma. If she was scared she didn’t show it. The surgery went good, but there was a complication during it that made it so my grandma would have to be in the hospital awhile longer. I went to go see her every chance I had and to be honest I was scared to say or think that she was in the clear and that she would be OK. I remember hugging her every time I went to visit her.
While my grandma was in the hospital I was stuck at home alone and I felt so lonely, exhausted, scared, emotional, and depressed that I ended up having to check myself into the hospital for being suicidal. I was in the hospital for 2-3 days before I woke up to a note on my bedside table saying that my mom called for me and that she wanted me to call her back. I didn’t think much of it to be honest, I thought it was just my mom wanting to check in on my since she was spending as much time as she could with grandma. That morning I called my mom and she didn’t answer, I chalk it up to her having her phone on silent. Over the course of that morning and afternoon I must have called my mom 5 times when I had a break in between groups, and every time I just got her voicemail. By the third call I was more annoyed than worried about anything. Finally that night I decided that I needed to talk to my grandma and ask her how her day went and who all came and visited her. Luckily the ward that I was in had a computer that everyone patient could use, so I looked up the general number for the hospital and I called in and said that I was wanting to talk with a family member who was in the hospital. I got transferred once or twice and than when I finally felt like I was going to get to talk to her a male voice answered the phone, it was her doctor I think. He told me that she had passed away earlier that day.
Immediately I was in tears and after he told me I hung up the phone and ran to my room. A nurse came by less than a minute later and she asked me what was going on and I simple said “she died”. Within 3 minutes they had upgraded me to suicide watch and I had a nurse assigned to be by my side at all times. My mom and sister came and visited me in the hospital the next day. My mom said that the recovery was to much for my grandma and that she had requested to be taken off of life support. The last time I saw her I can’t remember if i said that I loved her or if i gave her a hug. I thought I would see her again so I never got to say everything that to this day I wish I could have said.
I never got to tell her how much she meant to me, or how grateful I was for her helping me out and basically being a second mom to me. I have tried talking to her many times since she has passed away, weather it just be when I am praying or when I am alone and really miss her. The thing that I want to tell her them most is that I am going to try my very best to be a better man and be the kind of person I know she would have wanted me to be.
I am literally sitting her with tears going down my face and I have so much snot coming out of my nose that its gross. It has been a long time since I have really thought about her this much, I mean yeah I have talked about her many times in my therapy but I have always just said the bare minimum so that I wouldn’t break down.I miss her so much, I would give up everything just to be able to hear her voice again.
OK I should have talked about my grandma last, I am such a wreck right now that I don’t even know how to move on to the other things that I wanted to talk about. Pardon me if the transition is bad or I don’t put so much heart into the rest of this post.
Another great example of me wishing I could get closure has to be with my ex boyfriend john. We were together solidly for about 2 and a half years, and then we moved closer both to where I was working, but also (and mainly) to be close to where John was going to be going to school at, but with the move came higher rent.
At this time I had already been trying to get SSI/disability for 5 or 6 years. I had doctors who said I should be accepted, I had multiple conditions that on their own should have got me accepted. John didn’t think my conditions were that bad, but I kept most of my feelings and emotions to my self and I hadn’t started going to therapy yet. Things were going well it seemed, until a supervisor at the Nintendo warehouse that I was working at mistook me for someone else and got in my face and threatened that he could get me fired if he wanted to. That incident caused me to have a massive panic attack at work and in the weeks after that I was physically getting sick and throwing up multiple times almost every single day while trying to get ready for work. The next day that I made it into work I spoke with my supervisor and told her what happened and I said that it felt like work was a hostile environment and she simply replied with “He’s an ass”. I didn’t talk to her wanting to get the guy in trouble, I spoke to her wanting to get an apology from him. Not only did he humiliate me, loudly I will add, in front of all of my coworkers, but he caused me to have a panic attack that made me start hyperventilating and I could stop crying.
After that I genuinely wanted to go to work every day because it was the only time I could be with my coworkers who were nice, but also because I really took pride in the work that I was doing and I was damn good at it. After missing multiple days of work my supervisor told me that there was a shipment problem and that there wasn’t enough work for me to need to be there.
I quickly began looking for a new job and luckily I found one at a warehouse and I was accepted. This new job was very different from my job at Nintendo. This one was at a warehouse for a place called North Coast Lighting which is basically a place that sells anything and everything related to lighting for your house. It was way more fast paced and I had a supervisor who was a jerk and was always saying what I was doing wrong or that I was too slow.
The new job wasn’t anything like what I knew and liked, they were having me take 25+ orders a day and have to go find all the products and pieces scattered throughout a giant warehouse. After getting everything for the order I had to bring it to a certain part of the warehouse to stack it all up and I had to print item labels and shipping labels and then usually had to pack all the products into boxes or on pallets and then I had to put all the labels on for shipping all while having certain shipping times that I had to meet. While I worked there I had to learn how to do use a scanner which I had never used before, and I had to learn how to do a bunch of jobs through out the warehouse like accepting shipments and having to count every single item in all the boxes to make sure everything was there and then I had to put them all into the warehouses system using a scanner. Bring up pallets that were ready to be shipped to the drivers every time they showed up. I also had to learn how to drive and operate a forklift, which was terrifying for me because I didn’t and still don’t know how to drive.
To say that I was overwhelmed would be a giant understatement. I was constantly having to double and triple check item numbers and how many items were on the shelves and with my OCD it was pretty miserable. I was lucky to get to have a lunch break while working there, my supervisor would never tell me when I could go on breaks so there were a few days that I never had a lunch break and would be yelled at just for having to go to the bathroom or stopping to have a drink of water. Many days I finally got to have my lunch after working 6 or 7 hours. On top of everything that I had to do at work I also had to learn the bus system which I had never really been on up until then and my daily trip home had 2 transfers which always made me nervous. I had that job for only about 2 months, but to be honest making it that long was an achievement itself. They eventually let me go right before Christmas and I was completely exhausted and I by that time I finally realized how bad my anxiety, OCD, panic attacks, and social anxiety were.
At that time my psychiatrist was pushing so many meds on me always promising that they would make me feel better, but none of them helped. After Christmas was over I had to go into the hospital because of my liver and because my doctors were trying to figure out what was still making me occasionally sick and I had to have a lower endoscopy. I knew that I needed to support John as much as I could, but I knew that I couldn’t work. Less than a month later John said that we were going to lose the apartment and that I should start looking for a place to stay because he had already decided that he was going to stay at his parents house and there wasn’t room there for me. Luckily my grandma said that I could stay with her. I moved in with my grandma less than a week after valentines day and being away from John was killing me. He was the only person that ever showed me love and Only being able to see him once or twice a week really sucked.
I eventually applied for Obamacare because at that time after all the procedures that I had I owed a lot of money and couldn’t afford to go to a doctor or find a therapist. It took about 3 months to finally get accepted for insurance and then I finally got to start looking for help for my conditions and a new psychiatrist. During the time I was trying to get insurance and get into a mental health clinic John had been pressuring me to learn how to drive and get another job and the whole time he had a family member that was dying due to heart problem which made it to where I rarely got to see John and when the family member passed away when I did get to see him it was to help him and his family pack up the persons apartment.
During that summer John finally give me an ultimatum, I either had to learn how to drive by the end of summer or he was going to breakup with me. I knew that I couldn’t learn how to drive in that short amount of time and John wasn’t offering to give me lessons so eventually I pretty much said I am sorry and we went our separate ways. With John went almost all of my local friends because I didn’t think any of them wanted to hangout with me and I figured they were his friends and not mine and because one of them said that they didn’t want to be stuck in the middle of us. After we split there were mean things that were said by both john and I, and less than a year later John finally said what lead him to wanting to leave me. His family member who passed away, who had only met me maybe 7 times, all very briefly, and after us never even having a conversation, said on his deathbed to John that I was using John.
Yes, I will admit I may have expected John to pay for rent or meals when we went out, but John was the only person in our relationship except for 3 months who had a job and had an income. I never asked John to buy me anything and I never “used” him. I told John the very first time we met that I had mental health conditions and was trying to get disability, and John excepted that. Yes me may not have expected me not to get disability for over 2 years, but to be fair, I never expected it to take that long either. I was finally accepted for disability last year after over 8 years of waiting, filling out paperwork, going to doctor and therapy appointments and having them all send in my info. Every single doctor and therapist and even my attorney said that eventually I would get disability and none of them expected it to take that long.
I am a giving person, you can ask anyone that knows me well, I want to help out and do things for other, weather it be having dinner made when my partner gets home, or deciding instead of wanting to throw a birthday party that I will make a 4 course meal and feed my family and good friends. I celebrated almost every anniversary with John, weather it be the 3 months, 9 months, a year, or even the day that we first met. Every single Christmas that I was with John I took all the money I had saved up from mowing the lawn at my grandmas house so that I could give him the best Christmas I could give him. Hell the first Christmas we spent together I spent over $70 on Seattle Seahawk school supplies for him because him and I were both big fans and he was going to school at the time.
I am a very generous person, and how John can look past that and take the opinion of someone who didn’t even know me pisses me off. The closure that I want from my relationship with john is that I wish he would take back ever saying that I used him weather it be him saying that to me or every mutual friend that we had in the area hearing from him that I use people. I know that I will never get closure though, I lost all those friendships including that of who at that time was my best friend and the only person I had ever opened up to and loved and trusted, being John.
After almost 2 years of being separated and having our relationship end like that you would think I would have mean or hurtful things to say to him, but no I don’t. I wish I could thank him for showing me what love was, and thank him for the time we spent together and I would like to congratulate him for graduating from the University of Washington which was his goal the entire time we were together. I lost a part of me when I lost him, but sadly I haven’t been able to move on. I wish I had him as a friend again, I wish that I could have him to talk to because out of everyone in the world I had opened myself up the most to him.
The third instance of not getting closure or getting to say everything that I wish I could have said has to do with a couple I knew back in Washington. A few months after John and I split up they both reached out to me and seemed to want to help me feel better. There names are Randy and John, and even though our friendship was short, it meant the world to me. I began hanging out with them a few months before I found out about my Grandma needing surgery and they were letting me come stay the weekend with them practically every other weekend.
I could be honest with them about my ex and my worries about my grandma and Randy and John both gave me a lot of support, advice, and seemed to really want the best for me. They were always there for me during all the stressful days, and they knew about my hospitalizations and didn’t seem at all freaked out and they would check up on me to see how I was doing. I know that I wouldn’t have been able to make it through everything with my grandma if it wasn’t for them.
Our friendship was great, up until what happened about a week and a half after my grandma passed away. They had let me come stay a night with them and during the day John and I were watching TV and the movie Constantine came on, that movie features a very graphic scene where the main character cuts his wrists with glass and dies. That scene was triggering for me, it made me think of cutting and suicide. I was able to keep the thoughts at bay up until that night when it was bed time. After they went to bed I was laying in the guest bedroom trying to fall asleep but the scene from the movie kept playing over and over in my head and I was very emotional because I was thinking of my grandma and how I wanted to see her again. I finally got to a point to where I was thinking about the shaving razor that was in the guest bathroom that I had saw earlier that evening. I began thinking about cutting and than the thoughts turned into how I would kill myself.
In the moment I did the only thing I could think of and that was to take some of my sleeping pills and a couple attivan to make it to where I could calm my mind enough to where I could fall asleep and I kept telling myself that if i just went to sleep I would wake up and feel better and the urge to hurt myself would go away. After a very long night it was morning time and John woke me up saying that he needed to run me home soon because he had something he had to do that day. So I packed up my bag and we got in his car and we left. Randy and John were two people that I really trusted and I felt like I had to be honest because if I wasn’t they would be mad. So I told John about the night before and I mistakenly said that I overdosed and didn’t want to wake up. John seemed really concerned and we talked about it for the rest of the way home, but I knew that he was really upset with me.
I don’t know exactly what happened next, I can only speculate, but less than an hour later a pair of police officers arrived at the apartment and said that they received a report that I was suicidal. My mom was at the apartment and I told the police officers that I felt better and my mom said that she would bring me to the hospital to be checked in again so that the police didn’t have to bring me and so I could be in there voluntarily and could pack my clothes and CPAP so I have them when I get there.
I ended up being in a mental hospital for less than a week. My mom and I had been packing up all my grandmas stuff and my stuff ever since my grandma passed and I felt like I had to get out of the hospital because I still needed to find somewhere to go because I had nowhere to go after we cleaned out the apartment and returned the keys. After I got out I texted Randy and John to let them know that I was OK and to apologize for what happened. They never really replied and everything was so busy for the next few weeks that I never got another chance to really talk to them other than asking them if I could stay with them, which they said I couldn’t.
After that I called around to a bunch of different organizations in the area and none of them could help me get a place to stay. I ended up staying with some friends down in Portland for a bit. I ended up going up to Ontario to stay with a friend from Facebook because it was my only option and I kind of wanted to leave the Seattle area.
I didn’t have much of my medications when I got up to Ontario because Sound Mental health screwed me over and only gave me 2 weeks worth of my prescriptions. I ended up only being up in Ontario for only around a month because I began having bad withdrawals. I spoke with John before I came back and he said that we could hangout the Friday after I got back.
Once I got back to Washington my mom paid for me to be in a hotel for a few weeks. When it came to that time he was busy with something else and we didn’t get to hangout. During the next couple weeks I found a local organization that could help pay rent for me so I could get an apartment.
A few weeks after getting the apartment I texted Randy and John to see how they were doing, and only John replied and he said that they were mad at me for doing what I did at their house and that if I would have died it would have been help responsible (which it wouldn’t have been) and then John said that he thinks I did what I did for attention. We got into an argument through texting and I finally asked him if he wanted to even be my friend and he said no.
That was the last time John and I spoke. It’s been almost a year and Randy and I are friends on Facebook again, but we very rarely talk. Someone who I shared all this stuff with said that I should have just got out of bed that night and went and woke up Randy and John and tell them what was going on in my head so that they could run me to the hospital. The more I think about it, I think that would have just freaked them out and probably make them think I was trying to get attention even more. I messaged Randy about 2 weeks ago asking if I could have Johns number so I could text him, but Randy never responded.
It kills me that I can’t get closure and that John and maybe Randy thinks that I did what I did for attention and that I can’t be friends with them again because they were both really supportive and we were really good friends. I wish I could at least get to thank them both individually for all that they did for me, especially for helping me get through everything with my grandma.
Now that I moved down here to Florida with my partner Bob who I met when I was up in Ontario, it gets very lonely because I only who 3 people that live down here, but we aren’t great friends. Down here all I have is Bob, my therapist, and the occasional call from my mom. Bob had his best friend who is his ex back in Ontario and they talk on the phone and text each other a lot. I wish I could somehow mend my broken friendship with Randy and John so we could be friends again so I could have their support.
So there you have it those are the 3 biggest things I want closure from. I know I probably will never get closure from any of those people, it would be great to get the weight of regret, sadness, and frustration off of my shoulders, but for the time being I am managing it okay.
Until next time peeps, bye.