I initially started writing a blog post last night because I was having trouble sleeping, and it was just a “Year In Review” sort of thing but I was mostly focusing on two things. After thinking about it, I figure a big Long post discussing things that I’ve mostly already covered might be a bore to the 5 or so of you (not exaggerating) that read my posts. So with all that said, I am going to use this post to talk about two things from 2015 that I regret. One of them I’ve sort of gone over so I am sorry about that, but the other I have kept private until now. So without further procrastination here we go.
Ok my main regret of 2015, and arguably my life-
- I never got to say goodbye or I love you to my grandma before she passed
As I’ve discussed before, my grandma passed away last year after having surgery on her heart. Also last year I was having issues with severe depression and suicidal ideation.
My grandma found out in early February of last year that she needed to have surgery on her heart. When she found out I was actually on a mini vacation visiting a couple that I know in Fort Myers Florida for my birthday. I found out about my grandmas heart as soon as I got back from Florida, and I knew even though everyone was trying to downplay the risks involved with the surgery that my grandma probably wouldn’t make it through the surgery and recovery.
As soon as I found out about the surgery I let my therapist Leo know and we immediately began discussing the worst case scenarios so that if things went bad I wouldn’t be caught off guard. At that time I was going to therapy 4 days a week (doing like 5 hours of group therapy, 1 hour of individual therapy, and spending 5+ hours in the recovery center every week). I was already dealing with bad depression before finding out about my grandma and once I found out it made my depression and other mental illnesses (schizophrenia, anxiety, OCD, PTSD) act up really bad.
After about 2 or so weeks of dealing with the stress it all kind of capped off with my biggest schizophrenia episode to date where I ultimately heard the voice of someone who used to be a prominent person in my life who ended up using our friendship to brainwash and manipulate me using religion. His voice told me that if I didn’t stop being gay, my grandma wouldn’t survive her surgery. Having already been dealing with suicidal thoughts I ended up cutting one of my wrists pretty bad thinking that if I made myself suffer it would save my grandma. That day my grandma ran me to my mental health clinic (having no idea what I had done) and I I let one of the people at the clinic know what happened and I was immediately ran to the hospital and then admitted into Fairfax mental hospital where I was held voluntarily for 2 weeks.
The day that I got out of Fairfax my grandma was kept in the hospital over night to have some tests ran on her heart to see if she was healthy enough for the heart surgery. It turned out that she was healthy enough and a few weeks later her surgery was scheduled. That day I spent the day in the hospital waiting room with my mom and aunt. Naturally my anxiety was very high. My grandma made it through the surgery fine, though there was a small complication and because of that she needed to be kept in the hospital for recovery longer. The next few days my mom and I went and visited my grandma while she was in recovery in the critical care unit.
My grandma seemed to be doing really well. While my grandma was in the hospital I had our apartment all to myself and It was kind of taking a toll on me. I ended up having a bad depression episode and I had to be admitted into the hospital again for being suicidal. On I want to say the 3rd day that I was in the hospital I ended up recieving a call from my mom where she told me that my grandma had decided that she wanted to be taken off of all support. It immediately took me by surprise, but because she seemed to be doing good the last time I saw her I was still very optimistic. After getting the news I couldn’t seem to reach my mom again and I started getting a little desperate to find out how my grandma was doing. After waiting til the daily groups were done so I could use the phone I ended up looking up the number to the hospital and i called in to talk to my grandma. That was when I ended up recieving the worst news of my life when I ended up getting ahold of my grandmas doctor and he told me that she had passed away.
I had never got to say goodbye to my grandma and never got to tell her that I love her. Also it kills me that the last my grandma heard of me I was in the hospital again. My family has never been very open with our feelings and I honestly can’t even remember if I gave her a hug the last time I saw her. I will never be able to forgive myself.
My second big regret from 2015-
- I lost two of my best friends because I made a terrible decision
Back in Seattle I had two really great friends named Randy and John who were a couple, and I had known them for awhile on Facebook and a bear app named growlr. I had never really got to know them until I was going out with my ex boyfriend where Randy and John had invited us to come play darts with them at a sports bar and have some drinks. At that time my ex and I had been living in Woodinville and I had just started my job at one of Nintendo’s warehouses. John and I had been talking a lot and he had been giving me advice with my job and relationship. That first time that we met up John taught me how to play darts and I still remember how he made me think of a drill sergeant meets Oprah. He was strict yet kind and believe it or not I was actually kind of good at darts. After that night we had all met up again for another night of darts and that night was shortly after I had had a bad panic attack at work after a coworker had mistook me for someone else and had threatened to get me fired. John had been really understanding of what happened and gave me advice on how to best deal with the jerk.
A couple months later (February, 2014) my boyfriend and I ended up having to live separately and then a few months later we had broke up and both John and Randy had been big support systems for me during that hard time. After breaking up with my boyfriend Inhad lost a lot of friends and was pretty alone. I had also started therapy later that year and I think John and Randy felt bad for me and they offered to let me come hangout with them. We had started hanging out a times a month and I they had let me come stay the weekend at they house a few times. They had invited me to come watch the Seahawks games with them a few times and we seemed to be getting along really well.
Now fast forward to 2015, I had decided to keep my suicide attempts to myself and after finding out about my grandma needing heart surgery Randy and john really seemed kind of determined to keep me occupied and I had started to get to hangout with them almost every weekend. After my grandma passed away I had got to hangout with them one last time, and that was when I made one of the biggest mistakes of my life…
I had gotten to stay the night at their house and during the day John and I had been watching the movie Constantine and during that movie there is a very graphic scene where the main character commits suicide by cutting his wrists. I tried to not pay attention but I had seen enough to kind of plant a seed in my mind. Dealing with my grandma passing away had made me be pretty depressed and that night I couldn’t seem to get the thought of cutting out of my mind. It was so bad that I was seriously planning out how I would cut and I had planned to just kill myself in their spare bathroom in the bathtub. I was just about to do it when I rolled over in bed and saw my backpack and remembered that I had all my pills. Immediately I decided I would just take a bunch of pills and force myself to fall asleep so that I could escape the temptation of cutting myself.
I was kind of selective with what pills I took, because I didn’t want to do any serious damage to myself. With that said though, if I was to fall asleep and not wake up I would have been OK with it. I ended up falling asleep and in the morning John woke me up to run me home. On the way home I tried fighting the need to be honest with him, but I decided that I needed to be honest. I told him that I overdosed and I immediately could tell that he was shocked and worried. John had always been brutally honest, but he had said that he was really upset with me and it really hurt because I had grown to really look up to him and Randy, almost like they were father figures. On the way home I remember John had asked me where I go to therapy and I told him. After he dropped me off at the apartment I went back to bed and about an hour later a pair of police officers showed up and my mom who was at the apartment let them in and they had asked to talk to me. They had told me that they knew that I had tried hurting myself and they told me that one of my friends was worried for my safety and that they (the police officers) wanted me to go to the hospital. I told them that I would go and my mom ended up bringing me to the hospital. I ended up going back to Fairfax for about a week. After getting out of the hospital everything was hectic because my mom and aunt and I had to pack up the apartment and because I had to find a place to stay. I had asked all of my friends a few weeks before if I could stay with them and the only people that would let me come stay with them were a couple I knew up in Ontario. I was really embarrassed about what had happened so I hadn’t really talked to John and Randy that much until after I had left for Ontario.
Ontario didn’t work out because I ended up running out of my medications and was goingthrough withdrawals. I ended up only being up in Ontario for about a month and had come back to Washington in June. After coming back I had reached out to John and we had agreed to hangout. John ended up being busy with something and we didn’t get to hangout. After being back in Washington for a few weeks and getting accepted into a housing program and getting my own apartment in Redmond I had continued to try and reach out to John and Randy. I had noticed that they had been really quiet and after being gone for awhile I had really missed them.
One day I finally built up the courage to ask John what was going on. He told me that both him and Randy were upset with me and they thought that I had overdosed to try and make them feel guilty. I still to this day don’t know what he meant by that, I mean guilty of what? I understood why they were mad because I had decided to overdose at their house and if anything bad would have happened it could have maybe got them in trouble. I ende up becoming defensive and I asked John if he even wanted to be my friend and he said no. That was the last time I spoke with John. I ended up getting mad and I unfriended Randy on Facebook.
Again flash forward to the end of 2015. Randy had accepted my friend request on Facebook and we have talked a tiny bit, but we have never talked about what happened and we aren’t really friends anymore. I ended up making a boyfriend when I had been up in Ontario and after months of being together long distance we decided that we would to Florida and start our life together. Before we left I really wanted to mend things with Randy and John, but it hasn’t happened. The number one thing I wanted before I left was to make things right with them so that of things didn’t work out in Florida I could come home and have them as friends again.
If I could go back in time I would have done something different that night. I’m not sure what I could have done differently that would make it to where we would still be friends. I mean I could have just not told John what happened, but I still think its best that I was honest with him. One friend of mine that I have confided in said that I should have woke John and Randy up and told them what I was feeling. I think if I would have told them what I was having urges to do they would have just been freaked out and ran me to the hospital. I don’t think I could have fought the urges to cut myself on my own that night.
That night lost me my two best friends. I wish I could somehow get them back, but I think it’s been to long to fix things.
So there you have it my two biggest regrets of 2015.