A lot has happened since my last blog post and I wanted to fill you all in on what’s new.
I guess first things first, the big stuff: I got a small studio apartment. HEN is paying for it and so far everything has been alright. It’s pretty small, but considering that I don’t own much it’s the right size for me. The feeling of isolation has never been stronger though, I’ve always lived with someone else and I’ve already had a couple panic attacks since moving here, the most notable one landed me in the emergency room. I’m having a hard time with feeling comfortable enough to leave my apartment because someone could easily break in and steal everything I own.
My new boyfriend (as of May 29th) Bob and I are still going strong. We talk everyday and we seem to be making this whole long distance thing work well. He is easily my best friend and I fall in love with him more and more each and every day. I don’t think right now is the time to talk about and share our plans for our relationship just yet though.
I have been getting sick again… I don’t know if I have mentioned my past medical stuff on here before, but long story short I get sick and throw up almost every morning right when I wake up and also sometimes at night. Last time my stomach was acting like this it went on for nearly a year. I thought it was in my past because it stopped happening about a year and a half to two years ago, but it started up again shortly before my passed away. At first it wasn’t as often, but it was happening off and on ever since and then it started up almost every day back when I was staying in the hotel before I got this apartment. To say that it’s no big deal wouldn’t be completely honest, it does get me down pretty often, but since I’ve lives with this stuff before I’m kind of used to it. In the coming days I will be hopefully scheduling a visit with my stomach doctor to talk about my condition (which is still unknown) and discuss maybe having another upper endoscopy to look for ulcers which I’ve been told could possibly be causing this by another doctor. *queue the pregnancy jokes*
Today I met with a general surgeon to discuss my gallbladder since I have a history of gallbladder attacks and he wants to go ahead with having it removed. I should be getting a call in the next few days to schedule the surgery. I’m nervous, but at the same time I’m excited to have some stress that I’ve had for the last few years removed. When I’ve had my gallbladder attacks I felt more helpless than ever so to eliminate that fear would be a huge relief.
Sound Mental Health isn’t working out anymore. Since I left the clinic to go stay up in Canada I was taken out of the program and had to go through the intake process again once I got back in Washington (that was over a month ago) and they still have me on a waiting list to get a therapist. Since its the summer they don’t have as many interns in the program so clients (like me) are left waiting without help or support from a therapist. I’ve already begun researching psychiatrists and psychologists in the area, and if when I go in next week they still don’t have my assigned to a therapist I am going to start making calls to see who is taking new patients and how long it’ll be before I can get started. It kills me a bit to think that I won’t be at SMH because in the past they helped me a lot and they have saved my life on a few occasions, but right now I feel like the best thing for me is to get therapy and treatment and not just sit around having to deal with my anxiety and emotional problems on my own. I am not going to groups anymore because they took away the painting group which I enjoyed the most and also because I feel individual therapy is what’s most important for me right now.
Socially I have been isolating myself a lot, but I am trying to make steps to expand my social circle and get out more. I can’t wait until the football season starts up again because then I might be able to hangout with some of my best friends again and watch games with them. I can’t remember the last time I hung out with the guys who were my biggest support system back before I left for Ontario.
Mentally, my conditions are alright. I haven’t thought of suicide or self harm in a few months. I think the love that Bob shows me is a big part of that. I do still get the occasional depression episode or sleepless night due to anxiety, but my schizophrenia hasn’t acted up at all.
Physically I’ve been OK, I have been dealing with a bad cough and strep throat the last couple weeks. I actually had a couple xrays done to see if I had pneumonia or some other lung conditions but they all came back clean. I’ve been on antibiotics and cough medicine for the last week and I feel loads better and I am no longer contagious which is nice. My cough is still on the tail end of its cycle, but I did buy some cough medicine today and it’s working amazingly well and I am only coughing a little bit now. Other than being sick I’m physically doing well. I am down to 270 (fully clothed) so I am down 20 pounds since February and according to my last blood work my liver levels are better than they’ve been in over a year.
Overall I think life is going good. I’m happier now than I have been in a long time and I am actually going to bed looking forward to what the next day brings which is a new feeling for me.
Ok now here is something that I feel I need to explain. My last blog post, which I have since deleted, might have been inappropriate. I tried explaining how I have an issue with standing up for myself, but that message might have been lost with the example I used. With that said though I honestly regret deleting it because I feel it was the most honest and revealing post that I have ever made. If I offended, upset, frustrated, or irritated anyone with that post I apologize, but this blog is my place to share my experiences and my story and even though I will be choosing what I share more carefully, I will not delete another post for someone else again.