Not really sure where to start so I guess I will just jump right in…
December was both really good and really bad for me, good in the sense that I was getting to hangout with some of my Seattle friends a bunch and I was super excited to see the Seahawks make it into the Super Bowl. December ended on a very bad note though, New Years Eve I received a call from my dad in jail and it triggered me to have a bad bipolar episode and I tried killing myself that night. I am not going to go into details, mainly because it’s something I didn’t tell people out of fear, but because it was scary for me. Long story short my grandma unknowingly stopped me from ending it. I was in the process of hanging myself when I heard her come home and I stopped because I didn’t want her to walk in and find me struggling. That night I called the crisis line through my health clinic and called Fairfax mental hospital to try and get admitted, but there weren’t any open beds, and I would have needed to go to an emergency room first before going there and I didn’t want my grandma to know what I did, so I ended up taking a bunch of my sleeping meds and went to bed.
Most of January was just therapy, but I also got to hangout with some of my Seattle friends some more and I was excited for the Super Bowl.
OK, the Super Bowl- Here we go. It was easily the biggest roller coaster of a game ever and the ending was absolutely crushing, I have no doubt in my mind that we will be back again in the big game soon. There is no way Pete Carroll or Russell Wilson will let that loss go away easily.
Two of my really good friends flew me down to Florida in early February to celebrate my birthday down there which was super fun and awesome. A couple days before my birthday, my dad called me drunk though and that was pretty upsetting. I called my grandpa that night and told him that I can no longer be in contact with him or my grandma if they are going to enable my dad and let him drink and harass me. I’ve dealt with his alcoholism my entire life and when I am away on vacation having the time of my life with two of my best friends, the last thing I want and deserve is to have to deal with his crap. I’ll admit it, I broke down pretty bad, and my two friends saw it and it was super embarrassing for me, but they did a good job of comforting me and for the rest of the trip we had a lot of fun seeing the sights and watching movies and whatnot.
OK now here comes the crazy stuff. The day after I get back from Florida I find out that my grandma has to go in for heart surgery and nobody wanted to tell me about it because they didn’t want to ruin my trip. While I did admire the fact that they cared about my trip that much, and didn’t want me panicking (like I was when I eventually found out), I still felt like I should have found out. It kills me that I only called my grandma a couple times while down in Florida and I wish I could have comforted her in some way.
Right away when I got home my therapist at Sound Mental Health and I began having very hard conversations, ones I wasn’t ready for like the dreaded “What are you going to do if grandma dies during surgery”. This put a ton of stress on me. I had a bad feeling about my grandma needing to have heart surgery and I began trying to plan for all the “What Ifs”.