Breakdown

Today at work I had a breakdown. It was the worst anxiety attack that I’ve had in years.

Today I was stacking pallets just like the last 5 days, and we were actually making great time and had 32 done by lunch. Then came some guy that works in the shipping department, let’s call him Troy. It started out as a simple “3 boxes were stacked wrong”, and the whole time I was continuing to stack boxes on a pallet. Yes I should have been paying better attention and being respectful and look at the gut, but I was more focused on finishing the pallet and not getting backed up on the line. He said something about the boxes and I turned towards him and we made eye contact and he was like “were you listening?”. I said yes and then he moved over to where I was and was only about a foot from me and he asked my name so I told him it and then he was all like “Well Brad, people in my department have been complaining about you and said that you’ve been arguing. If you want to argue I can march you straight to your Aerotech supervisor and we can talk there”. After saying that he walked away and went and talked with my lines lead guy.

Any of you who have met me know I don’t like to argue and I avoid doing it if I can, so between that and being in shock at how rude the guy was being to me, I just kept stacking the boxes and went on for a little while, but then what the guy sunk in and it started hitting me. With my anxiety I can tell when its bad when my hands start cramping and sweating and sometimes start shaking. As soon as the guy walked away the guys in my area of the line started saying things like “you never argued with anyone” and they all said that they would go to our supervisor and stick up for me because the guy obviously had me mistaken for someone else and had a stick up his butt.

After about 15 minutes I asked my line lead if I could go to the bathroom because I was gettmeds.really upset, so I ran to the bath room and I told myself “OK you have 5 minutes to let it out and then you have to get back to work” and I did, I cried put of frustration and even prayed a little. After the 5 minutes I went back to the line and everyone was cool and supportive though I’m guessing its because my eyes were still red and my hands were still shaky. I knew I needed my anxiety meds and I asked my friend Jed who works in the shipping department who takes our pallets it he could run me home so I could get some of my meds, but he said he couldn’t. The leader of our line also briefly told me not to worry and that I’m doing good.

As soon as our lunch break started I hurriedvand clocked out and started calling everyone I could think of that might give a damn and listen to me worry. After calling 3 or 4 people and geyring their voicemails I called my best friend Mark who has been a real life saver at times (literally). Thankfully he answered and ad time to talk. He recommended going to HR, but I am so new that I don’t know who that is. After 30 minutes or so of talking he calmed me down enough that I felt I was composed enogh to go in and have lunch.

After lunch I went back to work, but for the rest of the day I was in a funk and my mind was racing a lot and I was worried I was in trouble. My pallet parter/friend said that he went and told “Troy” that he had the wrong guy. “Troy” came back to our line a few times through out the rest of the day and he kept watching me and a few times he pulled the line lead aside and talked to him.

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Update (sorry, I’ve been busy)

Wow my life has been busy the past two weeks, I am just now getting some free time to update this thing. I’ll do this post a bit differently and do it it sections.

The Job– Awesome! The job at Nintendo has been great and I’ve made a bunch of friends there already. I can’t say much about the job (had to sign tons of papers and I’m sure there was something in there about not talking about the specifics of what we do), but I can say that it’s pretty physical and it’s actually really fun. I have already received one pay check that was just for one day and I can say that the pay is good too. My hours are from 7-3:45 Monday- Friday so they are good, the job keeps me busy during the day.

My first pay check

 The only problem I am having with the job is that my hands have been super sore the last few days. My knuckles hurt and my middle finger on my right hand goes numb a lot for some reason. Luckily once I start working I really don’t notice the pain at all.

New House- John and I moved into a new apartment this past week and we both really like it so far. We are almost completely moved out of our old place and should be done there this weekend.

John at the Oregon Zoo

John’s Changes– John has started at a new job and school has started up again. He is pretty stressed, but I’ve been trying my hardest to help him out.  I’m sure he will do great at both once he gets going.

Riding The Bus– Along with the new job has come a big change for me and I have begun riding the bus. I’ve always had some anxiety with having to use public transportation, but I don’t really have any other option and it’s been surprisingly easy. I am still having to work on knowing what stops to get off at though,

The Seahawks- Man have they been good so far! I am really liking how the defense has been and if the last game is any indication of what the season is going to be like for Russell Wilson, I guarantee we will do well. I don’t wan to jinx the Seahawks, but I can actually see us going undefeated this season. I think that if we make it to the Super Bowl we will be playing either the Broncos or the Patriots.

The End of Dexter- I will try and keep this as spoiler free as possible, but if you haven’t seen the finale yet I’d recommend not reading this part… OK first off I am really sad to see it end, Dexter had become one of my favorite shows. The final episode had it’s highs and lows for me, but the two major things that I took away was wow why did they have to kill that character off and why did they need to show that that character lives (if you saw it than you should know what I’m talking about). The major death was kind of a shocker for me, there has been rumors of a spin off series and and I thought it would be about that character. OK Hanna: I never has a huge fan of her to be honest. And having her come back to Miami and then have her pretty much become Harrison’s mother figure was weird, I mean she poisoned Deb not that long ago. OK now to the final scene in the episode: WTF. It didn’t leave much closure and it leaves me wanting to know more about that character and what they’ve been up to.

OK so that’s all that comes to mind that I feel you might wanna hear about. If any of you have questions feel free to ask in the comments. Love you

Change

Change can be good, change can be bad,

Change can make you happy, change can make you sad,

Change isn’t always necessary, but change is sometimes needed.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

A lot of things are on the horizon for me now. Since I got denied for SSI for the 3rd time I’ve started looking for a job and it’s scary. I’m not good with stress and I’m not good with change, so getting a job is kind of intimidating. I’m 24 years old and I haven’t ever had one and I need the medical benefits so I’m going to have to jump all the way in and get a full time job. I’ll admit it, I’m terrified of failing. I’m afraid that I’ll let everyone down.

Monday I have an interview with a big name company for what is honestly a dream job for me. I’m trying not to be nervous, but I literally woke up this morning from a dream about the job. this job could change my life for the better, but with my OCD the idea of having to jump right in is terrifying because my whole day stricture will have to change and I won’t have anyone there to talk me through my stress.

Can you all please pray for me to get this job and be able to deal with the stress. If you reading this now, just take a second now and just ask God or who ever you pray to to help guide me and help me adjust to everything that’s going on in my life.

Thank you (oh and sorry for not updating this blog more often, I never have much to talk about so I’ve been slacking)